By Alina Boie, M.S.
We live in a large city and driving is for most of us part of our daily lives. You may commute two or twenty miles every day, but I am quite sure there are moments when you wish you had taken the bus or the subway. There are very few people, if any, who could say that they never “lost it” when another driver on the road acts stupidly, dangerously, or both.
I was talking to a friend the other day that seems to have a very “short fuse” when it comes to “bad drivers”. He often gets so road raged that he goes on chasing the “culprit” to give him a piece of his mind, usually by using “universal” gestures or gluing his hand to the horn. Besides the high chance of having an accident or getting a hefty fine, he brews lots and lots of anger. Although he may be on the extreme end of driving-related reactions, we all have moments when we get very reactive and angry at how other drivers treat us in traffic. We often assume they do it on purpose and that is when we commit the first cognitive error. Just because someone did not stop at a green light or signaled left but took a right, does not automatically mean they did it because they think poorly of you. They may be texting, unaware, have poor skills, or simply did not see you. Instead, it is all about what we tell ourselves about their irresponsible decisions that determines how we act or react in traffic.
I like one of Epictetus’ quotes about this type of situations: “Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him”. In other words, when we are “losing it” and give in to our anger, we unconditionally surrender our sense of control to the person or the situation in front of us. This applies in all situations, but I think it is so much more relevant when you are behind the wheel, since it is so risky and involves other people as well, including your own family at times.
When you catch yourself angry at someone who cut in front of you, stop for a second and identify your thoughts about the person’s behavior. To help you achieve this, take a few deep breaths. Then, in your mind count backward from ten, while making sure you keep your eyes on the road. Once you are able to delay for a few seconds your reaction, you will be able to identify your thoughts or beliefs. It may be your rigid and high expectations that all drivers should behave righteously and follow all the rules. Or, it may be your inference (not a fact) that she/he wants to send you a message about your worth or skills as a driver. Probably you will never find out, but that’s not the point. The take-home message is that it is all about the beliefs and evaluations we are making that have the power to turn us into unhealthy angry or more healthily annoyed drivers, and not the situation itself.
REBT teaches us that if we learn how to identify, dispute and change our expectations and beliefs by replacing them with more healthy ones, we may very well become less disturbed individuals and even enjoy driving in the crazy New York City traffic. However, just make sure you don’t cut in front of a silver Nissan Versa- my friend is still working on his demands.