By Kristen Tobias, M.A.
The esteemed couples specialist Esther Perel writes “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling.”
The sentiment expressed in the above quote implies a friction between the mounting pressures that are placed on our primary romantic relationship, and our expectations in those relationships. The conditions of modern living—changes to the social fabric of our lives (e.g., we may not live near family or move away from friends we grew up with, relocate frequently, not know our neighbors), medical advances that help us to live longer (the institution of marriage was created when people did not live nearly as long as they do today), and the impact of mass media—have coalesced to provide an atmosphere ripe for relational disaster. Romantic ideals are likely influenced by television and movies that depict a partner as a deus ex machina: meeting “the one” makes me fulfilled AND we live happily ever after!
So what discourages happily ever after? What happens when our partner is not fulfilling on every level? Perhaps a significant part of couple angst stems from a rigid irrational mandate placed on the partner: I demand more from you! You should do the dishes, you should cook dinner when I work late, you should not be jealous, you should want me every time I want you, he must listen, she must admit she was wrong, he is supposed to do that, I expect her to do that, it was unbearable that she did that….
Equally as damaging to the relationship is the awfulizing that comes after a fight: I can’t stand him. It is awful to fight and means that we are not meant to be, I shouldn’t have to put up with this from her…
This type of thinking will lead to varied unhealthy negative emotions: anger, anxiety, depression, shame, jealousy, hurt, etc. These unhealthy negative emotions, in turn, lead to dysfunctional ways of behaving, often escalating fighting within the relationship. What’s worse is that the more we turn to this type of thinking, the easier it becomes for us to access these thoughts in the future! In other words, it becomes easier and easier to sabotage the relationship and our happiness. How can we better manage inevitable partner letdown?
Rational thinking to the rescue! Turning our disturbing demands into preferences will allow us to feel disappointment, concern, sadness, and other healthy negative emotions, which will then put us in a better position to effectively deal with partner letdown. For example, let’s pretend that our partner forgot our anniversary (and assume that this is an important milestone to us). Some irrational beliefs might include: He should not have forgotten! That she forgot must mean that she does not care about me enough (or that I have less worth)! He is a bad person for forgetting! I can’t bear having my partner make me feel so bad! It is easy to imagine the emotions that accompany thoughts such as these. An alternative is to make a conscious effort to think more rationally. Then, our thoughts might look like this: While I prefer that my partner have remembered our anniversary, he/she is a imperfect human being and will make mistakes. When my partner does not give me what I deserve, it is bad in this respect but it is not bad in its entirety. While I am disappointed that my partner forgot our anniversary, I can stand it and it is worth it to do so…
It is easy to think that our emotion is caused by the event (e.g., I am angry because my partner forgot our anniversary), but the emotion is actually caused by our evaluation of the event (e.g., It is so awful that he/she forgot our anniversary). This also becomes apparent if we were to imagine that we truly did not care about anniversaries. Suppose we thought anniversaries were trite or commercialized and did not care to celebrate them. In this instance, we might welcome our significant other forgetting our anniversary! It is our evaluation of the event as terrible and awful that causes us to disturb ourselves. Since we may have been having these irrational beliefs for quite some time, it might feel unnatural to make a conscious effort to think differently at first, as well as take repeated attempts before it becomes the new norm.
If we did care about anniversaries, and our significant other forgot, rational thinking would make us feel sad or frustrated, but not depressed or enraged, which leaves us in a much better position to pop open the bubbly and celebrate!