By Kristen Tobias, M.A.
Have you ever had a significant decision to make and felt stuck or paralyzed by indecisiveness? Perhaps it was a decision related to something considered a major life stressor (e.g., moving, taking a new job, ending a relationship)…the consequences can seem enormous. How do we end up at the crossroads of what seems like an impasse, that which has no readily discernible solution? A major obstacle can be what we tell ourselves about the decision, which easily becomes more daunting than the decision itself. Does any of this thinking sound familiar: I must be able to make the right decision! It would be horrible if I made the wrong decision! I couldn’t stand the outcome of the wrong decision! If I don’t make the right decision in this particular instance, I am worthless or destined to fail at everything!
While the consequences of a decision surely can be significant, even highly significant, irrational thinking about the decision is not going to put us in the best position to make the “right” decision (think overwhelmed, frazzled, anxious…you get the picture). Moreover, I am reluctant to refer to any decision as the “right” one, because all decisions result in both positive and negative aspects (how else could the phrase “silver lining” endure?), and few decisions truly represent finality (i.e., that which has an irreversible ending). In instances of decision-making agony, we may need to gently remind ourselves that when some doors close, other doors open. And most importantly, that we are all imperfect beings who cannot escape the human condition of being capable of achieving success and failure.
Okay, so now that we are thinking rationally about the act of making a decision, what else can we do to try to make the best decision possible? Research has shown that it is very difficult to simultaneously think about the pros and cons of a situation in any meaningful way. In fact, we think of alternatives in a sequential rather than simultaneous manner, and the order in which we think of them has been shown to effect the decisions we make. Specifically, we tend to rather unconsciously (and possibly arbitrarily) give more value to the first alternative that we consider.
Practical problem-solving skills will help us here. In order to fine-tune our decision-making prowess, we should create a written or typed list of: 1) advantages of making the change, 2) disadvantages of making the change, 3) advantages of not making the change, and 4) disadvantages of not making the change. This will allow for a comprehensive evaluation of consequences and possible alternatives, minimizing bias as much as possible.
So go ahead, make that rational, informed decision! If we end up making the “wrong” decision, we’ll just cross that bridge and those irrational thoughts when we get there!