By Kristen Tobias, M.A.
Debate about the timeline for completion of socially sanctioned adult milestones rages on in private and public spheres. For example, a Princeton alumna’s recent Letter to the Editor informed women that a goal of college should be to find a man to marry, which incited a flurry of rebuttal. This message is not new (in fact, it is quite recycled), as women have long been subject to these types of commandments: when to marry, when to start a family, when to enter (or not to enter) the work force, etc. But let’s not be gender biased, men are also recipients of these age-related directives.
Many people express real distress over not being where they are “supposed to be” at a certain age (or rapidly approaching age): “I should be making more money by now,” “I should be married by now,” “I should have started a family by now,” “I should own something by now,” “I should have more savings at this age,” “I should be in a serious relationship at this age,” “I should have a corner office by now,” “I should be finished with school at this age,” and on and on.
Our personal values are inextricably tied to a sociocultural zeitgeist (e.g., the typical age of marriage in 1950 was early 20s for both men and women, but it is now far more typical and largely accepted, if not preferred, for individuals to marry in their late 20s). Norms serve a function; they help us to navigate and co-exist in an increasingly complicated world. But what are the upsides and downsides to firmly grasping milestone completion ages? If this mentality motivates you by moving you closer to your life preferences and does not cause unhealthy negative emotions (e.g., depression, anxiety, shame, guilt, envy, etc.), rock on! If, as I suspect, that for many of us these deadlines are not productive, I invite you to give them up.
The insightful and humorous idiom, “Stop shoulding on yourself,” can be an easy reminder to forgo “shoulds” (akin to the same phrase with an expletive, it implies something unfavorable, unproductive, etc.). Demands (i.e., shoulds) about our life circumstances will likely disturb us when they don’t come to fruition (and even if we achieve one milestone at the age that we demand we must, there is no guarantee that we will achieve the next milestone at the age that we insist we must). In addition to potentially being emotionally disturbed by these age criteria, our milestones will be harder to reach because we will end up acting based on fears and anxiety, or behave in other less than optimal ways.
Instead of shoulds, we can think and speak in terms of preferences or desires that inherently acknowledge our lack of control in an uncertain world. We largely feel the way we think, and thus our new philosophy will free us from the constraints of inauthentic milestone deadlines.
Milestone demands make me think of the irrational thinking the Red Sox (and their fans) may be prone to right now. It might go something like: “We must win a third world series before the 100 year mark of the Curse of the Bambino.” Good luck fellas!