By Dan Prendergast, M.A.
To address indecision, I’d like to first make a distinction between decisions and choices, because I think people get themselves into trouble conflating the two. I think that it is best to think of choices as preferences that stem from subjective personal tastes. A decision, on the other hand, is a commitment to action that occurs after one becomes aware of their choice. For example, yesterday I chose between Snickers and M&M’s, and upon realizing that I wasn’t in the mood for caramel I made the decision to buy the M&M’s. Choices are often difficult, but I suspect that most of the time people lean at least slightly one way or the other, and that if push came to shove they could state a preference.
I think that it can be helpful to define indecision as a difficulty committing to action once a preference is known. Here I suggest that it is possible to have a choice in mind, but have difficulty with its implementation. Such a distinction between preferences and actions is not exactly original. Taking the English language as one example, notice that we say someone is indecisive and not “inde-choose-ive,” since the problem is really with the decision and not the preference itself. REBT theory suggests that we can remain non-judgmental of preferences, as they are nearly always valid, but also that it is appropriate to critically examine actions and their consequences. From an interpersonal/emotional angle, criticism of preferences is almost always invalidating, while tactful criticism of behavior is rarely taken as an attack on one’s person.
We now have a definition of indecision and know the difference between a decision and a choice, but we haven’t talked about why indecision is so stressful for people and how to resolve it. It is my belief that any disconnect between what someone wants (choices) and what they are doing (decisions) causes a state of discomfort and dissonance that is resolved only when behaviors, preferences, or both behaviors and preferences change. Stated simply, people who suffer from indecision are probably not committing to a course of action that is in line with their preferences, or are unable to commit to their preferences for any number of reasons.
Putting decisions in line with choices is easier said than done. Many people perceive barriers to action because they are worried about causing potential negative outcomes or sacrificing opportunity X for decision Y. In this case it is helpful to understand that the future is unforeseeable, and that we cannot demand certainty or guarantees of a positive outcome just because we want one. Additionally, we must know that there is no such thing as a right decision, and very often all we can do is put forth our best effort and accept the risk that that there could be a less than optimal outcome. Of course, some people have trouble committing to a decision because their actions would violate legal, moral or ethical codes and/or would cause harm. Some courses of action may not be available (e.g., solving problems with lottery money). In these situations, I stress that reducing indecision is not a defense for reckless hedonism or the violation of the rights of others, and that in many cases choice-decision dissonance can only be coped with, perhaps with the help of a therapist.
So how do we resolve indecision and reduce negative emotions in 7 easy steps?
Step 1: Acknowledge your preferences without forcing yourself to commit to an action. If you have not yet clarified a choice you cannot act on it, so avoid criticizing yourself over decision making. Remember: choose first, then decide.
Step 2: Make a list of the possible decisions (courses of action) available to you that will give you a good shot of obtaining what you have chose. If you catch yourself writing down decisions that probably don’t exist in the real world, draw a clean line through them and keep working on the list.
Step 3: Recognize that doing what you are already doing and doing nothing are both decisions with real consequences, and add these potential decisions to your list. Sometimes acceptance of the status quo is a good solution, and sometimes it isn’t, but understand that the status quo is a decision that you are actively committing to, which may or may not be in line with your choices.
Step 4: Understand that lots of decisions are stressful, and perhaps some should be. However, if you are feeling undue distress over your particular decision or over indecision, there is a chance that it may be caused by a mismatch between your preferences and your actions. In other words, you may feel bad because what you want and what you are doing isn’t lining up. Take a look at your list and identify the decision(s) that are more in line with your choice. There may be more than one.
Step 5: Identify and critically evaluate the outcomes that may result from the decisions you have identified. Decide if the time and effort required to commit to a new course of action is worth it to reduce your distress.
Step 6: If you are motivated to reduce your distress, take an action that is in line with your preferences, but please respect the rights of others while doing so.
Step 7: Hope for the best, recognize that there is no guarantee that your decision will be “right” or yield positive results, and be content with the satisfaction that you chose a path you wanted.