By Brooke Guttenberg, M.S.
Being the fallible human being I am, at times, I may focus my energy on wanting others around me to change. To be completely truthful, during these moments it is very likely I am actually demanding that others change. I hold strongly to the belief that if they do not change it would terrible and horrible, and I certainly would not be able to stand it! For some reason, no matter how long I hold onto this belief, the other individual fails to change. Even more shocking they maintain the same pattern of behaviors that have persisted for as long as I’ve known them. While I am being factitious, the truth is, I often need to ask myself the question, “What did I expect to happen?” In many cases, I would even bet against myself in believing that a particular person will change. Now here is the conundrum, do I: (a) continue to anger myself over the inability to demand change from others, or (b) applaud my superb ability in being able to predict their behavior?
Think about a friend or family member who is perpetually running late. This is the individual that you have gone to great measures to ensure their punctuality, and even with a 20 minute time cushion, they do not arrive on time. Even so, when that 20 minute late mark comes and goes, and once again you lose your table at the restaurant, your blood begins to boil. How dare she be late (…again)! She should not be late (…again)! She must be punctual (…even though in my ten years of knowing her I cannot think of one time this has happened)! When contemplating the many similar occurrences preceding this event, this behavior is nothing new, and you have stood it many times before. As much as you would like your friend or family member to be on time, it will be helpful to change that anger to disappointment, and then strategize.
Why not use your past experiences to predict the future? Rather than angering yourself over every instance this person has not behaved the way you believe they should, use this evidence to plan accordingly. While you cannot prevent these occurrences from happening, you do have the choice in which card you will play. If your in-laws always manage to sneak in a snide remark at a holiday dinner, you have the ability of alleviating their power by deciding not to disturb yourself. When a coworker attempts to pass their work onto you, again, you can assertively express your concern over the situation, rather than ruminating how you wish this did not always happen. For the spouse who is negligent in completing household chores, you could allow the trash to overflow, or accept that if you want it to be done in a timely manner, to do it yourself.
Even though you may accept the inevitable, it is not always easy or pleasurable to accept certain behaviors, and you may, of course, continue strongly to want a person to change. It is not possible to evaluate, honestly and productively, such situations when steam is pouring from your ears. However, your continued disappointment in this person may signal the need to consider your values, and perhaps a decision regarding the relationship needs to be made. If loyalty is something to be valued in a friendship, then perhaps a friend who is constantly putting you down needs to be removed from your speed dial. If a boss’ demands continue to be unreasonable, and you are no longer finding fulfillment from your career, it may be time for a change. Once you are able to evaluate a situation from a rational perspective, it is easier to generate solutions that will be beneficial in the long-term.
No matter how much you combat your irrationality, it still has a funny way of creeping back into your thoughts. Next time your friend is late, because she will be, and your blood begins to boil…just remember, no one wants to talk to the angry person sitting alone at the bar.