By Brooke Guttenberg, M.S.
As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches, so begins the holiday marathon filled with food, decorations, family, and for many of us, stress. The start of what is supposed to be a joyous time of year can turn even the most level-headed, fun loving individual, into Dr. Seuss’ the Grinch. What is it about the holiday season that can be exciting and enjoyable for some people, but terrifying and stress inducing for others? It is what we are telling ourselves about the holidays, and for those of us feeling the holiday strain, it is likely that your irrational beliefs are doing most of the talking. Moreover, if I were to make a bet, it is likely that expectations are to blame.
The more experiences we have, the more likely we are to develop a bias, and adopt expectations of the way things should be occurring. Realistically, these expectations may not be rooted in our own personal reality. Expectations can take growth from observations, stories, and even ideas about others’ experiences. When dealing with the holiday season, it seems as if the latter is even more common. Society paints an image that holidays such as Thanksgiving represent a time where friends and family come together to feast, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company. While this is what we all may want to happen, there are no Thanksgiving commandments stating that everything must occur as we expect it to.
When we recognize that our expectations are not being met, we have two choices: (i) continue to hold onto the beliefs that our family should be able to come together for the holiday, it is terrible that everyone watches football during dinner, the food should not burn, pizza must be served instead of turkey, and I cannot stand it that my cousin arrives late every year, or (ii) recognize that these are simply our expectations, and accept that no matter how much we want our holiday dinner to be to our liking, pizza may never replace the turkey on Thanksgiving.
By selecting choice (i), we are vulnerable to feelings such as anxiety, depression, and anger, when our expectations are not met. Not only is this thinking self-defeating, but also illogical. We can “should” and “must” all we want, but sadly, the universe does not need to obey. By continuing to hold onto to these rigid beliefs, we are letting our awfulizing and frustration intolerance get in the way of our enjoying this time of year. By taking route (ii), we are more equipped to deal with our demands not being met, and can approach the situation practically and rationally.
The holidays can be a time to create new traditions. A peaceful dinner, filled with good conversation and no television, may be something that you value. If so, perhaps this is the year you decline your aunt’s invitation, and invite friends over for a meal of your liking, without any football. If year-after-year you do not receive any help in the kitchen, and the responsibility is too much for you alone, propose to host a potluck meal. Since we already know that your cousin is going to be late again, try telling him that dinner starts two hours earlier than it really does.
The moral of my Thanksgiving story is that no matter how much we want the picture perfect Thanksgiving dinner, this is not always a guarantee. Rather than disturb ourselves over what is not happening, work to accept the situation, no matter how quirky and outlandish it may seem. Also, do not forget, it is always fun to swap your kooky holiday stories with friends and coworkers over some leftover pumpkin pie and pizza.