By Shonda Lackey, Ph.D.
Have you noticed any ads for Valentine’s Day lately? Almost as soon as New Year’s Day passed, I began seeing ads and displays priming consumers to buy a number of items ranging from cards to chocolate to – well, the list could go on.
Around this time, some people tend to ruminate on their irrational beliefs about being single. Well-meaning friends and family members often like to tell single people that they will find “The One.” “Love comes when you least expect,” they say. “There’s someone for everyone.” But what happens if things don’t turn out that way?
For those seeking relationships, they may think it’s awful to even consider the possibility of being perpetually single. Admittedly, it can be challenging to consider that possibility, while remaining open to finding love. This is where REBT comes in. Love may or may not happen, but even if you don’t find love within a romantic relationship, would it be the most awful thing in your life? Would you never be able to enjoy yourself? Would it define who you are as a person? From an REBT perspective, the answer to these questions is a resounding “No.”
It’s important to acknowledge that if you aren’t able to find the relationship you want, you may experience sadness, concern, or healthy envy. REBT makes a distinction between these feelings and feelings of depression, anxiety, and unhealthy envy. Proponents of REBT would not expect you to feel happy or neutral about being single despite your desire to be in a relationship.
Easier said than done, you may be thinking. However, by examining and changing your irrational beliefs, you can begin to change how you feel about being single. These changes don’t occur overnight, but with determination you will notice some improvements.
Once your thoughts become more rational and balanced, you might consider some of the following suggestions for enjoying Valentine’s Day when you are single.
Connect with family and friends. Love doesn’t refer only to romantic relationships. Spend time catching up with someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Let him or her know how much you appreciate their support and friendship.
Reflect. Take the time to examine what you learned from past relationships. Is there a negative pattern in the way you thought and behaved in previous situations? What can you do differently if you end up in another relationship? What do you want in a relationship? What can you contribute to the relationship?
Volunteer. In addition to helping others, you may also gain a different perspective of your own situation.
Reward Yourself. Whether it’s out on the town or at home, take some time to do something you enjoy.
So, with Valentine’s Day soon approaching, remember that one is only the loneliest number if you choose to think so.