By Kristen Tobias, M.A.
The reality that no perfect human being ever lived, along with the fact that many people strive for perfectionism, is a paradox of the human condition. Perfectionism is a condition characterized by holding unrealistically high standards (e.g., “I must give a perfect speech!”), in addition to a tendency to overvalue performance. Overvaluation of performance can include catastrophizing about less than perfect performance (e.g., “It would be a major calamity if I did not give a perfect speech!”) and rating oneself based on a singular instance (e.g., “Because I did not give a perfect speech, I am not cut out for my job and will never succeed!”).
Demands about perfect performance and catastrophizing about the importance of an event likely lead to anxiety and panic. Then, after a subpar performance (which was likely negatively impacted by perfection-related anxiety), individuals have a tendency to depress themselves about not reaching their ideals. The end result is reduced vitality and unhealthy negative emotions that result from clinging to unattainable standards.
So, why not give up the idle struggle for perfectionism cold turkey to thwart anxiety, panic, and other unhealthy negative emotions? Well, I suspect that any resident perfectionists have benefited from their perfectionistic tendencies (i.e., when perfectionistic attitudes and behavior are reinforced by one’s environment). For example, these tendencies may have resulted in praise from your boss for a job well done, or you may have exceled at school, which are goals that many individuals aspire to achieve and that REBT would not steer you away from. Rather, it is the thinking about imperfect performance that REBT suggests abandoning, due to the stress (both mental and physical) that this type of thinking engenders.
Another concern that individuals have about giving up perfectionism is the idea that if they do relinquish this ideal, they will not work as hard or succeed as much. But, one can maintain a steadfast commitment to one’s goals, in conjunction with flexibility in one’s approach. This includes accepting oneself despite a potential to make mistakes. When one has imperfect performance (as is bound to happen in all individuals), it is helpful to rate the behavior and not generalize to one’s overall worth or competency. If we constantly judge our self-worth based on external variables, we will exist on an interminable roller costar.
To give up perfectionism, one will need a new mental script. Albert Ellis offered the following mantra for giving up perfectionism, and rating the behavior, deed, or performance, but not the person: “I’m not bad, I’m not good, I’m not okay, I’m not un-okay, I exist and my acts are rotten, stupid, foolish, not when they are imperfect, but when they really do me in and do other humans in, but I am not ratable, I’m too complex. I’m never going to rate myself, my being my essence, I am just going to rate what I do.” To really internalize a new belief, you have to practice it, and not just in the face of imperfection, but also when things are going well or “perfectly.” In our attempt to free ourselves from perfectionism and adopt a new belief, perhaps we should modify the idiom “Practice makes perfect,” to “Practice makes progress.”