Do You Want to Be Married or Do You Want to Be Right?

By Leonard Citron, M.A.

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) is a goal focused therapy practice. Couples typically strive for a happy and fulfilling relationship. There are several considerations to take into account when working towards achieving this goal, one of which is captured by the phrase “Do you want to be married, or do you want to be right?”

Many of us struggle with always having to be right; obviously we are, right? If we didn’t think we were, who would? Of course, having to be right means that someone in the situation has be wrong. I hate to break it to you, but sometimes it is going to be you. However, that shouldn’t matter.

One ingredient to a happy and successful relationship is learning to see the world through your partner’s eyes, by putting yourself in their shoes, and doing your utmost to understand a situation from their perspective. We need to accept that a relationship with someone will always involve a certain degree of compromise. You cannot both always be right. But if you are focused on the interests of the relationship, rather than just your own, you can be right more often.

How much you are willing to compromise on is really the crux of the relationship, and determines whether you should ultimately be together. But you must be willing to compromise to a certain point, if you are hoping for a successful relationship.

The truth is, sometimes we are right, and sometimes we are wrong. The same goes for our partners. Accepting this truth, and acknowledging that at times we are all flawed (ourselves and partners included), is critical to being able to compromise.

Many couples come to therapy because they believe that their partner does not understand them, but often both individuals are not making decisions based on the best interest of the relationship, but rather in their own interest. Considering your partner’s perspective is important, as is considering what is right for the relationship.

The importance of compromise extends to other relationships as well; colleagues, family, friends. Sharing your life with others, in whatever capacity, requires an ability to consider situations through other lenses. To give up the need to be right does not mean that you do not have a point of view. However, if you are sometimes able to give up your need to defend your point of view, and focus instead on doing what’s right for the partnership, you stand a better chance of being happily married and right.