By Dan Prendergast, M.A.
Let’s not forget the basics of REBT because of Valentine’s Day. Whether or not you have a valentine this year, you are perfectly capable of holding functional or dysfunctional beliefs about your love situation, and free to determine your own emotions. There is nothing inherently “screwed-up” or “normal” about whatever relationship status you have, and you can believe about it what you choose. Turning the perceived preferences or expectations of your society, friends, parents, culture or yourself into commandments that you absolutely must adhere to probably won’t serve you very well, nor will turning Valentine’s Day into a holiday celebrating a dire need for love and acceptance from other people. Let’s review some dysfunctional approaches to Valentine’s Day, with the help from a few popular love songs:
“I can’t live if living is without you”
– Harry Nilsson
But it appears that you are still living, and any reasonable person would say that you are perfectly capable of continuing to live! Please explain to me how being without another person is the most awful thing in the world rather than just a bad turn of events, and please explain your logic that somebody leaving is equal to death.
“I need your love,
I need your love,
God speed your love to me”
– The Righteous Brothers
Perhaps you want the person’s love, which is perfectly OK, but you appear to be escalating this want into a dire need for love and commanding your deity to provide you with what you want. If we got what we demanded from the universe I would be writing this from my mansion in the Bahamas.
“And I will always love you”
– Whitney Houston
Wouldn’t it be nice if our significant others could give us an iron-clad guarantee that they will always love us unconditionally, no matter what unpredictable turns life takes. It is unfortunate, but there are no such guarantees in life and these fallible humans can decide to do anything they want. Yes, this includes deciding not to love us anymore.
“Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I’m alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again”
– The Cure
Nobody has the magical power to over-ride your thoughts and beliefs and make you feel anything. Furthermore, I’d say that it is quite hazardous to decide to base your emotional state on whether or not you can be alone with someone. Again, it is your beliefs about yourself and your world that will determine how you feel, and not the circumstances that you are in. Others are responsible for their behavior, but you are responsible for your own emotions, and healthy beliefs serve you whether or not you have something that you want.
“You better shape up
‘Cause I need a man
And my heart is set on you
You better shape up
You better understand
To my heart I must be true
Nothing left
Nothing left for me to do
You’re the one that I want
Oo-oo-oo, honey
The one that I want
Oo-oo-oo, honey
The one that I want
Oo-oo-oo, the one I need
Oh, yes indeed”
– Grease
What foolishness. Sandy appears to have escalated her preference for a man into a dire need for one. In addition, she has decided that Danny specifically isn’t just the one that she wants, he is the one that she needs. Of course, Danny’s greaser ways are unacceptable to Sandy, so she orders him to give up his hobbies, his lifestyle and perhaps his friends, since she absolutely must get all of the things she wants. I don’t expect this to end well.
Beyond not falling into some of the common dysfunctional beliefs above, what is healthy love? I’m not sure that I have a complete answer. Perhaps both parties are at least 51% self-interested, meaning that they do not prioritize the other person’s interests over their well-being or make excessive or undue sacrifices. Both parties also accept and expect the other person to be mostly self-interested. While planning for the future and reflecting on the course of a relationship is healthy to a degree, too much obsessing over the past or future can mean trouble. I’d say that the healthier a relationship is, the more both people are free to participate in the present moment. Doing something fun or doing something nice for the other person will almost always improve a relationship, and so will taking an active interest in the other person’s life. Unconditional self and other acceptance will serve any relationship well, but behavior should always be open to scrutiny and honest discussion.
I think that’s all I’ve got – May you have a happy and functional Valentine’s Day.