By Brooke Guttenberg, M.S.
How many times have you been told that communication is key? However, the complexity of this process is often overlooked. There are many different forms of communication and subtle societal rules that outline how to proceed in a conversation. For instance, “hey, what’s up?” may be appropriate for a friend, but using such slang on a job interview may cost you the position. Aside from the robust pool of language we are to select from, there are also more discrete ways of communicating to consider. Nonverbal gestures and tone of voice are two aspects of conversation that, if overlooked, can lead to a complete miscommunication. A slight grimace in response to a story may signal a need to change the topic, or an individual’s curt response can indicate that the discussion is over. Consequently, it becomes extremely important to not only communicate clearly to others, but also to actively listen. This includes not only listening to the words of others, but also making an effort to try and understand the meaning of what the other individual is saying. Now, if communication was not complicated enough, face-to-face conversations have taken a backseat to texting, e-mail, internet chats, Facebook messages, and the list goes on. If picking-up on a passive aggressive remark or sarcastic comment were not difficult enough verbally, we are left analyzing what one versus two exclamation points might mean, or if there is a deeper meaning behind a one-word response. Luckily, once equipped with our conversational skills, we can generalize these tools to various modalities.
Speaking to clients, it seems that for many individuals a common activating event is miscommunication or a failure to communicate. Let us take the case of the unreturned phone call. While this event for some individuals may lead to rational beliefs such as “I wanted her to call me back, but I guess she is busy” or “If I do not hear back by the end of today I will give him a ring tomorrow.” Someone holding such beliefs will likely feel disappointed or annoyed. However, for many of us, such an event may lead to a slew of irrational beliefs and feelings of hurt and anger. For instance, such beliefs may be “How dare she not call me back!” or “What a terrible friend she is not calling me back immediately!” Now, let us say that this friend had not returned the call due to her being out of town. If the anger and hurt were to dictate our behaviors, we will likely hold onto such emotions and fail to communicate our true feelings. This is a point where practical problem-solving comes into play.
Once we can resolve our self-defeating emotions such as anger, and replace them with healthier alternatives such as annoyance, we can decide how to better address the issue. In this case, assertively addressing your friend and explaining “I am feeling very annoyed that you did not call me back and I would prefer if you would do so in the future” will allow you to vent your frustrations, as well as provide your friend the opportunity to explain the situation. It is a win-win, right? Well, not all of the time. As much as we practice pro-active communication skills, the other person does not always have to accept or like what we have to say, even though we may want them to. While this can be frustrating, disturbing oneself over the other person not understanding, or being unwilling to listen, will not get us very far. Thus, it becomes important to take such situations in stride and accept that one can only dictate our willingness to communicate, and cannot force another person to respond in a manner we would like. Remember that practice makes perfect. If those lines of communication become fuzzy, do not forget to ask yourself if you are truly hearing the other line, or if your connection may be breaking-up.