By Dan Prendergast, M.A.
There are plenty of things that we find uncomfortable, annoying, difficult, monotonous, anxiety-provoking, time consuming, awkward, rotten, aversive, difficult, painful or damned inconvenient. Much of the time we actively avoid them, distract ourselves from them, or take steps to eliminate rotten things from our day. After all, why put up with the obnoxious aspects of life when there are much better things to do? Why not check facebook or email, watch a movie, procrastinate, go for a walk, get a coffee, have a martini, listen to music, see friends, do something easier, daydream, steer clear of people, topics or situations, or figure out a perfectly good reason why something aversive isn’t worth putting up with? What could be wrong with any of these things in healthy moderation?
It is true, that none of the things listed above are inherently bad, and it is completely understandable that most people want to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. The problem is that the crappy parts of life often prevent us from getting the things we want or value. For instance, studying for a test is no fun, but it needs to be done to graduate. Apologizing is uncomfortable, but if it doesn’t happen a relationship might not survive. Facing fears can be downright distressing, but without doing just that the fears will probably remain. When we choose to avoid exposing ourselves to negative aspects of life that represent barriers to what we value or want, we are discomfort dodging, and might just be working against our interests and hurting ourselves in the long term.
I’m not saying that people absolutely must not discomfort dodge – everyone does it to some degree. Instead, I’m saying that we need to cut down on the discomfort dodging IF we are to have a shot at getting what we want from life. There are many ways to do this. One might be to make a list of goals, then a list of things you do that prevent you from achieving them. Another could be to set up a cue such as a post-it note or smart phone alarm that regularly prompts you to think, “Am I discomfort dodging right now?” You could practice new beliefs that counter discomfort dodging, such as, “this is uncomfortable, but it is worth doing in order to get what I want,” or you could practice new behaviors like working towards a goal for a specified amount of time and then giving yourself a small reward. The possibilities are only limited by your imagination. For discomfort dodging that is especially difficult to change you might enlist the help of friends, family, or a therapist.