By Kristen Tobias, M.A.
Alfred Tennyson famously wrote, “Tis’ better to have to loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Poignant. Tender. Eloquent. But, is this sentiment consistent with reality? Well, that depends on one’s thinking associated with no longer being with one’s beloved. Loss can be extremely painful, but our thinking about the loss can drive us to feel sadness or profound despair. Moreover, the emotions we feel will influence our behavior in the absence of our beloved. Let’s look at two examples.
In the aftermath of the dissolution of a relationship (e.g., break-up or divorce), the person who did not initiate the ending of the relationship may feel wronged by the other person. They might tell themself, “My beloved should not have done this!” “He/she is a horrible person for doing this!” And perhaps most destructive, “This is awful and I cannot stand it!” When we say that someone should not have ended a relationship, we defy reality. Relationships end all of the time, and no one who enters into a relationship is immune to this outcome. Thinking that the end of the relationship should not have happened is a demand that is illogical. When we tell ourselves that we cannot stand something because it is so awful, we will likely engender an unhealthy emotional state. At that juncture, our emotions may lead us to act in ways that are not consistent with out best interests, or the values that we hold. We may lash out at our beloved, act against him or her, and engage in other self-defeating behavior (Carrie Underwood lyrics come to mind, “That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats…”).
A host of other irrational thinking can come into play during a breakup. One might disturb oneself by worrying about what others will think of him/her, awfulizing about how he/she looks to other people. Other negativistic, and therefore irrational, thinking about being alone forever and not being able to meet someone else may also come into play. Thinking that this beloved is the only one is myopic and will certainly leave us feeling depressed.
Conversely, in the throes of a break-up, we can think more rationally. We still may feel deeply about the loss, but the degree to which we disturb ourselves can be minimized. I am not suggesting that we try to turn lemons into lemonade. I am suggesting that we think more rationally about the loss. This thinking will consist of viewing the person as a fallible human being who is capable of doing both good things and bad things, the recognition that relational hurt can happen to us, and realistic ideas about how this loss will play out. One will feel sad, but sadness is a healthy negative emotion, which may or may not be enduring. There will likely be a grieving period, largely affected by the investment one had in the relationship, and then the person may be able to move on. If one thinks, “While I would have preferred that the relationship went on, I can stand that it has ended and it is worth it to do so,” the individual will likely feel better and act in a way that helps one to successfully move on. The loss may be very difficult, it may even have come as quite a surprise, but that does not have to mean that an unhealthy negative emotional state is inevitable.