By Shonda Lackey, Ph.D.
Does it seem like every time you start to get close to your partner, she or he finds a way to prevent you from connecting on a deeper level? If so, your partner may be struggling with fear of intimacy.
WHAT IS INTIMACY?
In order to understand fear of intimacy, it is helpful to understand what defines intimacy. As reported by Miodrag Popovic (2005) in his article “Intimacy and Its Relevance in Human Functioning,” the word intimacy originates “from the Latin term ‘intimus’ which means ‘innermost’ and refers to sharing what is inmost with others” (p. 31).
Intimacy can be used in reference to various kinds of relationships and generally refers to mutual intellectual, experiential, emotional, or sexual expression which fosters feelings of closeness or connectedness. The four major types of intimacy are:
• Intellectual – exchanging thoughts and ideas
• Experiential – participating in activities together
• Emotional – sharing feelings
• Sexual – sensual sharing
BARRIERS TO INTIMACY
Trust is an important part of creating intimacy within a relationship. Problems with intimacy often stem from childhood experiences that set the pattern for how one deals with trust. It is likely that your partner survived some form of trauma that made it difficult to trust others. Such trauma could have included the death or separation of a parent or guardian. Your partner may have also experienced physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional abuse.
As a result of losing the freedom of expression and the autonomy to develop and enforce personal boundaries, your partner may have learned to cope with trauma by using unhealthy strategies. Following a traumatic experience, your partner may have become overly trustful and involved in relationships that led to exploitation, or your partner may have resolved never to trust anyone. Extreme methods of coping like these are intertwined with fear of intimacy.
Signs of fear of intimacy may include: avoiding physical/sexual contact or having an insatiable sexual appetite, difficulty with commitment, history of unstable relationships, low self-esteem, bouts of anger, isolation, difficulty forming close relationships, difficulty sharing feelings, difficulty showing emotion, and difficulty trusting.
OVERCOMING BARRIERS TO INTIMACY
Create a Safe Space. When your partner feels you are getting too close, he or she will often act in ways that push you away. It can be difficult and scary for your partner to accept that he or she deserves your love, respect, and affection. It is sometimes easier for your partner to resort to behavior that will maintain the pattern of rejection and isolation that is familiar to him or her. Yet, it is likely that one of your partner’s greatest fears is that he or she will be abandoned or rejected. Your partner may also fear that getting close to you will lead to being controlled by you. Break the cycle by maintaining a balanced distance – resist the urge to withdraw from your partner, but avoid infringing on his or her personal space. Try your best not to react to your partner’s distancing behavior with anger or frustration. Instead, try to understand the reasoning behind your partner’s behavior. Your partner needs you to be supportive, patient, and nonjudgmental.
Confront Fears. If intimacy issues have become a problem in your relationship, let your partner know that you want to understand why the two of you are not connecting and that you want to work through these issues together. Don’t force your partner to talk about past issues that may have affected his or her ability to trust, but let him or her know that you will be ready to listen when the time is right. When your partner has indicated that he or she is ready to work on improving your relationship, follow his or her lead. If attempts to solve the problems on your own are not successful, your partner may have to seek in-depth individual therapy to deal with any unresolved issues that may be impacting your relationship. You may also consider attending couples therapy with your partner.
Although past issues may have contributed to your partner’s fear of intimacy, you don’t have to let the past ruin your future. Creating a healthy relationship takes time, but it is possible as long as you and your partner are willing to put in the effort. Focus on what you can do now to develop a healthy relationship.