By Kristen Tobias, M.A.
“Only your own false belief that failure is horrible, your own groundless assumption that you are to blame for not succeeding—only this makes the horror exist. And, of course, deflects from the pleasurable, creative focusing on your own orgasm.”
More than fifty years ago, Ellis emphasized that ability to orgasm is as much a product of the mind, as the body. In “A Guide to Successful Marriage,” he describes many case vignettes of sexual inadequacy that were the result of irrational thinking, and not the product of organic dysfunction. To increase the chances that one will orgasm, one needs to be able to focus on being sexual, on what one likes, and what turns one on, taking in pleasure from all of the senses. It is hard (if not impossible) to take in pleasure on the one hand, and engage in irrational thinking on the other.
Modern ideals of beauty indoctrinate us with ideas about how we should look (e.g., cellulite free, hair free, wrinkle free, etc.). It is advantageous for your well-being, in addition to your sex life, to live healthily and take care of your physical appearance, but it is another to strive for “perfection” or require this from your sexual partner. Related to sex, these ideals can wreak havoc on desire—how desirable you allow yourself to feel and how much you desire your partner. Ellis notes that individuals become “…inordinately concerned with comparing himself to others and thinking of himself as worthless unless he conforms to, and at least equals or surpasses, their standards and values.”
Where is the evidence sans Photoshop that any human being is physically perfect? How does it help to think about your flaws during sex? How does it help to think about your partner’s flaws during sex? For some people, this type of thinking is deeply rooted and will take a lot of work to overcome, but the result can be well worth the effort, a more fulfilling sex life! Just as we taught ourselves that we must look a certain way to be desirable, we can unteach ourselves by questioning, challenging, and contradicting such beliefs.
Perceived failure or thoughts of failure in the bedroom can lead to a number of irrational beliefs and unhealthy negative mood states such as anxiety, despair, and anger. Individuals may think that they must not fail in the bedroom (either by thinking they must orgasm or must make someone else orgasm), and that if they did not it would be horrible, and would mean that they are no good. This type of thinking will likely produce the feared effect because it causes an adverse impact on mood and performance.
Regarding failure in the bedroom, Ellis asserts, it is “…only normal and natural for human beings to fail, at first, at complex tasks like having mutually satisfying sex relations; and that a sex failure was merely that, a sex failure, and was no indication whatever of an individual’s intrinsic worth.”