By James C. Strickland, Ph.D.
The phrase, “I can’t stand it,” is usually the lamentation of someone experiencing low frustration tolerance (LFT) that can and does lead to dysfunction. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) provides us with the help to tolerate higher levels of frustration so we can function more adaptively. Ideally, REBT suggests we change our beliefs and cope with the elegant solution (the worst case scenario) rather than changing or escaping the Activating event. In this way we are more likely to be less disturbed and ultimately less disturbable. Certainly this seems the way to proceed if the Activating event cannot be changed. What if, however, the Activating event can be changed? Would it serve a therapeutic purpose to change the Activating event rather than change the belief?
The phrase and belief, “I can’t stand it” is often paired with behavioral exercises that demonstrate to the client experiencing low frustration tolerance that he or she actually can stand it. Even if the client can stand it, does he or she really need to? Is it necessary to have to “stand” every frustration that comes our way? What if the Activating event that leads to the LFT is indefinite? Rest assured that there is a never ending supply of Activating events and it may not be necessary to have to “stand” every one. Perhaps we should reserve a portion of our energy for Activating events that truly cannot be changed.
To show the utility of this possibility, I will present a brief portion of a case study that was provided to me. According to the example, a young woman presented with feelings of anxiety, depression, depersonalization with regard to the way her parents treated her for as long as she could remember. She lived at home when not away at school. She was experiencing significant subjective distress and functional impairments at home, school, work, and socially. REBT was the mode of therapy. In collaboration with her therapist, emotional and practical goals were established. Progress was slow, however, but one by one she achieved many of her therapeutic goals. One goal in particular, the belief related to her parents’ treatment of her did not seem to budge. The woman had invited her parents to attend many of her sessions in the hope that family therapy would prove successful. According to the woman’s report, therapy with her parents did not prove successful. Furthermore, her parents only served as a distraction to her individual therapy. Even when her parents sought therapy for themselves, it did not seem to help the way her parents treated her as they continued to treat her poorly despite all the professional help.
An analysis of the issue presented in the case study determined that the woman’s Activating event was the way her parents treated her, especially when she lived at home. It seemed that no matter what she and her parents did or tried, her parents’ poor treatment of her continued unabated and with no end in sight. The woman reported feeling hopeless. It appeared as though the Activating event was not going to go way, nor was her irrational belief about her parents’ treatment of her. One of her goals was to develop a sense of independence. Realizing that her parents’ poor treatment of her was not going to stop while she lived with her parents, it was decided that she would move out of her parent’s house and establish and maintain a separate residence. Her decision to move out was thoughtful and carefully planned. She saved money and would be able to maintain her expenses all by herself from the job she had. This decision proved to be very successful. After a year and a half in therapy she terminated. She reported reaching all her therapeutic goals. She is much happier and is really enjoying her life and looks forward to returning to school. She no longer reports feeling anxious, depressed, and depersonalized. In her account, the woman attributed her success to both standard REBT protocol and changing the Activating event by moving out of her parents’ house and not having to endure her parents’ “torment.” In this case, the woman realized that the Activating event was never going to change nor diminish, and she determined that the only way she was going to feel better was to change the A, that is to move out and get away from her parents. Sometimes changing the Activating event may prove successful. According to the case study, the woman earnestly tried changing her belief, but it just was not working. Maybe she could have learned to “stand” the frustration, but in this case she did not need to.
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