By Brooke Guttenberg, M.S.
“I cannot tell my friend how I really feel because I do not want to make her feel guilty.” How many times have you or someone else you know expressed this sentiment? I know that I certainly have tailored my opinions due to a concern about how another person may react. However, therein lies an important distinction. It is one thing to express concern or worry about how another person may react to one’s onions or statements, but another to claim that we have the power to make others feel guilty, anxious, depressed, or angry.
The connection between thoughts and emotions does not just apply to oneself, but for others as well. Just today I listened to an argument occur between two friends. While the bickering was pretty benign in the sense that the disagreement was about what to eat for dinner, the part that stuck out the most for me was one friend telling the other “I don’t want to make you feel angry!” When asked my opinion on the matter I simply said, “Well she cannot make you feel angry you make yourself feel angry.” That being said I was no longer given a choice in what to eat for dinner. While my friends may not have wanted to hear my piece of advice, or have yet to understand the connection, the truth is we do not have power to control others emotions.
One of the main tenants of REBT is the connection between the way we are thinking and our emotional reaction. By working to change the way we think about events, we can change the way we feel about such events. It is not until one can begin accepting and practicing this belief-emotion (“B-C”) connection that true change can be realized. Once we can begin accepting and practicing this connection, we regain the power to initiate emotional and behavioral change within ourselves.
Let us go back to the story of my friends’ argument and apply our new understanding of the “B-C” connection. While friend A may be feeling angry because friend B will not compromise, does everyone in New York or even the entire U.S. become angry during a disagreement about what to eat? The answer is no. Some people may react with annoyance because they are hungry and would prefer to eat. Someone who does not like confrontation may be feeling anxious. Another individual who is indecisive may be happy because in the end their friend can just make the decision. So it seems that my friend wanting pizza over BBQ food is not enough to make another person angry. This disagreement may act as the event for which friend A becomes angry about, but her emotions are her responsibility.
Not to say we should practice being discourteous and argumentative at all times, but it may be helpful to take a step-back and recognize what is stopping us from expressing our opinion. We cannot control whether people will respond favorably to what we have to say, especially when these were two hungry people stuck in hours of traffic.