Jennifer Shindman, M.S.
When I learned that I would be writing a blog as part of my externship at the Albert Ellis Institute, I almost immediately felt very anxious. Then, when I learned that the topic of each blog was my choice, I became even more anxious; I have freer reign to mess up! To avoid the discomfort of feeling anxious, I avoided sitting down to write this blog.
Then I started to think about what I was doing, and how much this behavior (avoiding writing because of my anxious feelings) was going to hurt me in the long run. I’ve written hundreds, probably thousands of papers throughout my life, so why is writing half a page blog about a topic related to REBT (something I am greatly interested in) so difficult?
I started to think about my thoughts, and which thoughts in particular were leading to my anxiety. This is what I came up with. Well, this blog will probably be read by my supervisors who I greatly respect, and doing a good job is very important to me. How important you ask? This is where I start to get irrational. Ready? Writing a good blog is so important because I need my supervisors to like it. Writing this blog is so important because if my supervisors don’t like it, it will be truly awful. Writing this blog is so important because if my supervisors don’t like it, they will think my work sucks, and therefore, I suck!
No wonder I’m feeling so anxious! I’m holding not one, not two, but three irrational beliefs related to writing this damn blog!
1) I need my supervisors to like me.
2) If they don’t, it would be awful, the worst thing that ever happened.
3) If my blog is bad, I would be a lesser person!
Now what? I’ve identified the beliefs contributing to my anxiety, so now it is time to challenge them and replace them with alternative rational beliefs.
1) Is it really true that I need my supervisors to like me, the same way that I need food, water and air? Well, when I put it that way, it seems silly. So what can I tell myself instead that will help me feel concerned rather than anxious about writing this blog? Well, while it is true that I would really, really want and prefer if my supervisors liked me, there’s no reason I need them to like me or that they must like me.
2) Would my supervisors not liking me be the absolute worst thing in the world? Well, relatively speaking, no. It would be worse if my house burned down, and even worse if the whole neighborhood burned down! So when I think about it that way, I can see that while it would be a bad thing if my supervisors didn’t like me, it would certainly not be the most awful thing to ever happen.
3) Now this one is a little tougher for me. When I allow how I perform or behave (or how others view how I behave) to define my worth, the way I feel about myself is always changing. If I do badly, then I am bad, and I feel depressed. If I perform well, then I am good, and I feel happy. What a dangerous game! How can I separate my behavior from my “self” when our society is so conditioned to think this way? When people behave badly or well, we often hear, “you are a good girl” or “he is a bad person” rather than “you did a good job” or “he behaved badly.” Thus, changing my thinking in this domain is a bit more challenging. Still, making the distinction between my bad blog and my bad self is important. Writing a bad blog would not define me as being a bad person. Despite my poor blog writing skills, I’d still be a good friend, a good cook, and someone who makes others laugh. Not all bad! A good friend who’ll make you laugh and cook you good food.
So, when I default back to my irrational belief (that I’ve practiced for years) what can I think instead? I can tell myself that I’m a human being made up of good and bad, and that my behavior does not define who I am.
So you ask, did my rational beliefs help me change my anxiety to a more healthy emotion like concern? Well, you’re reading my blog, right? Do you like it? Well if you don’t, I can totally cope… because I don’t need you to like it, and it won’t be awful if you don’t, and I will still remain a human being, just as worthwhile as you!