Kristen Tobias, M.A.
This blog is the second of four that will expound on the types of frustration intolerance (FI) discussed in my previous entry, Not All Frustrations are Created Equal.
Emotional intolerance is a dimension of FI that encompasses the perceived inability to withstand emotional distress. Pick your poison…anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy, shame, or another distressing emotion, and couple it with the idea that you cannot bear it and must be free of it yesterday. The problem is that the experience of distress is a part of life, much like taxes. You can’t really escape, and evasion does not typically turn out well.
Given that emotional distress is a part of life, you can either ride the wave of distress or insist that you cannot bear it and try to rid yourself of distressing emotions as quickly as possible. Emotional intolerance has been associated with the unhealthy negative emotion of anxiety, and also secondary disturbance (or disturbance about being disturbed). Moreover, when you think this way, you will likely act in neurotic ways that serve to circumvent emotional distress or alleviate anxiety.
Let’s say for example that you get into a fight with your partner. If you have emotional intolerance, you might make yourself get anxious and flee because you tell yourself that you cannot bear the emotional discomfort of the situation. Or, you might avoid a confrontation before it happens because you think “I couldn’t stand to lose control of my feelings.” In these scenarios, you might lose a significant person in your life or maintain the status quo for the sole reason that you can’t tolerate the emotional distress that is necessary to bring about change. Moreover, when you strengthen your emotional tolerance, you will be in a better place to make meaningful decisions, instead of decisions that are based on irrational thinking and disturbed emotions.
A key ingredient to overcoming emotional intolerance is identification of the elegant solution (or that which transcends the minutia). The elegant solution entails accepting our fate as humans who can withstand distress or negative affectivity. Rational coping statements might include: “I have been distressed before, I can stand this even though it is uncomfortable,” “It’s just anxiety, many people have lived through this and I will too,” and “While I prefer not to be distressed, there is no reason why I must not be. I can stand it and in this situation it is worth it to do so.” Part of the treatment plan will also include the development of practical coping skills to handle emotional distress.
Do you tell yourself that you cannot bear to have disturbing feelings? Do you tell yourself that you must be free of disturbing feelings as quickly as possible? How has it helped you to think this way? Where is the evidence that any of us cannot stand emotional distress?
Part one: Entitlitis