Deniz Sidali, M.A.
As a first generation child of European immigrants, I have always been perplexed by the constant almost obsessive quest by Americans to be happy. Almost all American movies must have a happy ending. It isn’t a coincidence that one of the most popular songs to be played constantly on the airways this year was Happy by Pharrell Williams. So what does it mean to be happy? A lot of times when I ask clients what goals they would like to work on in therapy, they will broadly state “All I want is to be happy”. Yet, people cannot define what happiness means to them. Or, they have unrealistic expectations of what happiness entails. They may even set themselves up for failure. And sometimes people who complain that happiness eludes them cannot accept positive feedback, compliments or appreciate subtle instances that could bring happiness to their lives. So situations may occur when the potential to be happy arises. However, people fail to appreciate, accept, or recognize these instances. Happiness means different things to different people. For me personally happiness means: not getting a ton of bills in the mail, not receiving an email requesting an unrealistic favor, or getting to eat my lunch in between seeing clients at the clinic.
Depending on where you go around the world, most countries view Americans as optimistic, positive or even naïve in their pursuit of a state of perpetual happiness. According to a recent article in the Huffington Post, America ranked 17th in terms of the happiest countries in the world; whereas our neighbors Canada ranked 6th place and Mexico ranked 16th place. The countries that ranked highest in happiness were Norway, Denmark, and Switzerland. Well if you start to think, of course these European countries rank higher than America. They don’t have the same social, economic, or political problems we have in the States; however, this would be an oversimplification of why happiness eludes Americans. It would also be an overemphasis on what we refer to in REBT as the practical solution, or belief that changing triggering events in the outside world would solve all of our problems. If only my husband showed me more affection, if only my wife would have sex with me more often, if only I won the lottery, if only I had a better job or boss, etc…. then I would be happy. Oftentimes what happens is that we change the if only at the beginning of these types of statements to those starting with I must, he/she/they must or should and add unrealistic standards/demands converting them into irrational beliefs. So for instance, if only my husband showed me more affection is changed in our automatic thinking to an irrational belief such as “My husband must show me more affection, or else it would be awful”. This type of irrationalbelief is referred to as awfulizing. This statement could lead to the faulty inference that because my husband does not show me more affection, this means he no longer loves me. We often repeat these thoughts to ourselves to the point where they become so automatic that we believe it to be absolutely true. We rely on our misperception that external events are responsible for the outcome of our happiness.
Surprisingly in other countries in South America, Africa, and in Cuba, citizens rated themselves as happier than people in America. Maybe because they have more time to stop and enjoy life, and spend time with their friends and family. They expend more time developing their social support systems, being present in the moment, and enjoying quality interactions with others. So although they may earn less money than Americans, they also have less time to dedicate to constructing an internal dialogue about others’ intentions. Therefore, it’s not about achieving the practical solution but about changing our irrational beliefs to healthier rational beliefs such as, “It would be nice if my husband showed me more affection, but it isn’t written anywhere that he must show me more affection”. And work on the inference that “Just because he doesn’t show me more affection doesn’t mean that he no longer loves me”. Or, you might just want to consider that you have grown apart, and either couples therapy or separation is needed. Ultimately, the tools to achieve happiness lies within each of us. And if we aren’t happy every moment of the day or our lives, it’s alright. We can tolerate it. We don’t deserve happiness. It would be nice if we were happy, but it is not a given that we must or should be happy. Where is it written that it is unfair if we are not happy? If we were happy all the time, wouldn’t we take it for granted? This also goes back to the concept of USA and UOA or unconditional self- and other-acceptance which involves accepting our flaws (while not liking them) and positive attributes. In order to be happy, it would be beneficial to embrace moments of happiness and sadness.
Now that I have discussed the concept of happiness, in my next blog I will offer specific, concrete ways to achieve a sense of happiness.
