by William Taboas, M.A.
In this entry, we will first make the distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger. We will then discuss healthy beliefs to maintain a rational perspective in the face of potentially maddening situations.
You may be asking yourself “I was taught that anger is, and will always be, an undesired, unwanted, and bad emotion. But how could anger be healthy and functional?!” I would respond with this: You may be imagining anger as only being unhealthily enraged. Now, imagine yourself being healthily frustrated; just so you are motivated enough to solve the problem at hand without damaging your relationships with other people. That’s the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger.
In REBT, we emphasize that we do not want to eliminate negative emotions. That would be unrealistic and potentially damaging! Instead, we work on addressing the irrational beliefs that lead to unhealthy negative emotions (e.g., rage and fury, extreme fear and anxiety) and dysfunctional positive emotions alike (e.g., the grandiose and severe elation that comes with mania). As Windy Dryden said, “The REBT model of emotion states that the emotions that we experience are based largely on the beliefs that we hold about ourselves, others and the world. More specifically it states that our unhealthy negative emotions about life’s adversities are based largely on the irrational beliefs that we hold about these adversities and that if we want to experience healthy negative emotions about the adversities in question we need to change our irrational beliefs to rational beliefs.”
And also in REBT, the definition of unhealthy emotions is emotions that impede any progress toward our desired goals. To use anxiety as an analogous example: there are optimal levels of anxiety that organisms operate on. With elevated anxiety, our body’s sympathetic nervous system (SNS) will be aroused into such a state that it disallows proper functioning. On the other extreme, with too little anxiety, our bodies aren’t aroused enough to motivate us for action, which can be just as dysfunctional. The same can be said for anger: both extremes are just as dysfunctional for different reasons; we have rage and fury on one end, and passivity and indifference on the other. With excessive SNS arousal, we can be destructive to ourselves and others. Too little, and we would have difficulty mustering emotional and physical resources to overcome our obstacles.
The difficulty is reaching a proper balance of positive and negative emotions. To start reaching some balance, the first step is: TAKE A BREATH and TAKE A MOMENT to collect your thoughts. The second step is then to identify and dispute the irrational beliefs that make these emotions dysfunctional. On Part 1 of this blog, we reviewed the irrational beliefs that lead to anger:
1) Lack of emotional responsibility and “other” blame
2) Condemnation of others
3) Self-righteousness
4) Cathartic expression
5) Anger expression as a way to control others
6) Egocentric entitlement
7) Hostile attribution of intent
So what can we do about these beliefs? How do we turn them into rational beliefs that lead to healthy and functional anger? Let’s address these beliefs one by one:
1) First, we recognize that we cause our own anger. Yes, the external world might push our buttons, but we give it permission to do so. Also, learn your own triggers! Once you can identify them, beliefs that lead to anger will be much easier to manage since you are already anticipating how you will manage the situation. Remember, we can choose to stay healthily frustrated, rather than choosing to be unhealthily furious.
Healthy Belief: I am highly in control of my own anger.
2) Second, Albert Ellis always repeated: “You damn the other person’s behavior. Never the person.” While others might commit acts that are reprehensible, that doesn’t mean the person is wholly damnable and worthless. Instead, think of them as fundamentally flawed human beings, born and created fallible. Allow others to make mistakes and have their own right to act as wrongly as they wish.
Healthy Belief: It is silly to think that others must not make mistakes or others must never offend us. I might detest the act, but that does not make the person detestable. Their acts do not make them worthless.
3) Third, while acknowledging that others are fallible, by the same token, you can acknowledge that they have the right to be right in their own way. In fact, you also have the right to be wrong! When we are self-righteous and hold on to the belief that we are the only morally correct humans in the universe, it discounts us from accountability from ourselves and others alike, perpetuating a cycle of never learning from our mistakes.
Healthy Belief: Where is it written that my moral compass must be followed by others? My sense of right and wrong is not the only sense of what is right or wrong.
4) Fourth, research has continually shown that venting anger is akin to rumination. Cathartic expression of anger, instead of subduing anger, actually reinforces the intensity and frequency of anger outbursts! So keep the venting to a minimum.
Healthy Belief: That I must show them how angry I am, instead of saying it, is ludicrous. I would rather do something about my anger than display it.
5) Fifth, some believe that “They NEED and MUST see how angry I am. Otherwise, I will never get my way.” Others might just confuse assertiveness with aggression. With good assertiveness training, one can learn to get a point across without coming across as aggressive.
Healthy Belief: If I continue to think that they ought to see my anger to understand me, I do more harm than good. I can effectively communicate my wishes and desires without letting it escalate.
6) Sixth, learn to live outside yourself. Our definition of fairness might be another’s definition of unfairness. Perspective taking is critical in overcoming egocentrism. Also, where is it written in the universe that we MUST treat us fairly or that we NEED to get what we want? While it might be desirable to be treated fairly or to be indulged in our WANTS, we can live a happier life without many of our wants.
Healthy Belief: I can live a happy life if I let go of the expectation that life and others must and do owe me. My happiness lies in me, not in others.
7) And lastly, seventh, maybe the reason we see how angry others are is because we are angry at them ourselves. Maybe their intentions are not as hostile as we think. And even if they are, taking the higher road by not letting my anger out of control tends to yield better results than by escalating hostility.
Healthy Belief: Because I think they are angry, it does not mean that I have to act angrily towards them. Instead, let me do the opposite to encourage civility and politeness from each other.
Now, let us conclude with more effective philosophies about anger, and characterizing what would it look like to have functional anger:
- While frustrated or annoyed, you can still be understanding and compassionate. Rage can be vengeful and seeks retribution at all costs.
- Frustration can help us problem solve and approach our goal. Rage and fury interfere with our goals.
- Frustration focuses your thinking on the issue or barrier; rage blinds attention and scatters it.
- Healthy levels of frustration and annoyance can lead to assertive social interactions. Rage and fury lead to aggression, defensiveness and needless fighting.
While it might be unpleasant to endure some annoyance or frustration, the end result is much desirable than rageful and furious anger. I invite you to have a flexible and reflective mind, and have as many healthy negative emotions as you would desire healthy positive emotions. That is the REBT way!
“When you are offended at any man’s fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.” – Epictetus
