by Kristen Tobias, M.A.
The goal of REBT, and other forms of CBT, is to facilitate an emotional shift. This goal is largely accomplished by causing a transformation in the way that individuals think, which is achieved by dialogue between the therapist and the client. Therefore, language is the sine qua non of psychotherapy and words become the active ingredient.
Language can be ambiguous and some terms seem to have a tendency to fall prey to misinterpretation both by being explained inadequately by the therapist or understood incorrectly by the client. A recent discussion with colleagues centered on clinical use of the term “acceptance” and the varied meanings that this word can take on for individuals, if not adequately fleshed out. This is an important distinction because acceptance of reality is a core pillar of REBT. Let’s break this down.
Accept does NOT mean expect. If you accept a particular circumstance, it does not mean that you should now expect this to happen indefinitely. Acceptance of a particular circumstance means that you are acknowledging that this is your reality at this point in time. If we don’t accept where we are today, we are essentially demanding that something be different than it actually is. How can we work on change when we don’t accept the reality that needs to change?
The Chinese finger trap game represents a great metaphor of this construct. In this game, you are instructed to place one finger from each hand in a small cylinder woven from bamboo. The natural inclination that people often have is to pull each finger in an opposing direction, which tightens the grip. To remove your fingers from this contraption, you actually need to paradoxically push your fingers towards each other, which loosens the grip and frees your fingers. Similarly, when we accept our plight, we are in a much better position to free ourselves from it.
Accept does NOT mean resign. Some individuals fear that when they accept something, they are essentially resigning to this reality. They fear that acceptance will preclude transformation efforts. Or, that the strength of efforts will somehow be weakened. Quite the opposite, the goal of acceptance is to put oneself in a better position to work on changing unwanted realities. Put another way, acceptance of something undesirable is a step towards gaining control of that which what we would like to change. Acceptance need not be passive.
Let’s walk through a simple example. If individuals have a tendency to experience anxiety during public speaking, they may approach this situation in two different ways. They can demand that they not get anxious during their next presentation and likely develop anxiety about anxiety. They can spend their time thinking about how awful it is that they get anxious and perhaps rate themselves negatively for experiencing this reality. Or, they can accept that they have this tendency and use their time to challenge their irrational beliefs about public speaking. In the latter approach, they will have more energy to spend on practical solutions such as practicing the speech or joining Toastmasters to help overcome this difficulty.
