by Brooke Guttenberg, M.S.
The other day I was sitting down with a friend to catch-up, and within minutes I realized her intentions. Her eyes were laser focused, her tone of voice was higher than usual, and her speech was picking-up. Yup, she was about to begin venting. My friend launched into a very detailed story discussing how she made a mistake at work, and from there things just kept going downhill.
My friend relayed her different concerns and I listened intently, reassured her that the mistake she made was not that bad, helped collect evidence why she would not be fired, gave practical solutions about how to fix the mistake, and kept encouraging to “let her anger out.” After dinner my friend appeared to be in good spirits and I left giving myself a pat on the back. I did my job superbly. I was a supportive and encouraging friend; however, if I viewed this situation through an REBT therapist’s perspective, there were quite a few flaws in my approach.
First, this was not the first time my friend has come to me with this problem. Thus, whatever we are doing to help in the moment is exactly that. Yes, she may be relieving her anger and anxiety in the interim, but she has not necessarily developed coping skills that help change her reaction going forward. Giving my friend practical solutions may be helpful, but if her emotional reaction is very intense, she will not be as effective in applying those strategies.
My friend did not sign-up for a therapy session when we went to dinner, so I did what any friend might do; however, if we replaced the dinner table with a comfy chair and the restaurant for the Albert Ellis Institute things would have played out a bit differently. My friend may be asked to think hypothetically about her mistake being just as bad as she thought in that moment and that her boss was going to fire her. She would work toward identifying the emotions she was feeling and the beliefs driving those emotions. It may have felt uncomfortable to consider these negative situations, but she would learn how to cope with what was disturbing her the most. By identifying and challenging her irrational beliefs, she would learn to change her emotional reaction and then to effectively implement practical solutions.
Many of us may be conditioned to the type of interaction I described above when we are feeling distressed. When considering therapy, the goal is to help one realize unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaving, and developing new ways of coping. This may include asking people to face what they are most distressed about, sit with uncomfortable emotions, and practice behavioral changes. Yes, this may take more time than offering solutions and providing reassurance, but if we aren’t uncomfortable, why change? That is why we have our social supports to help us feel better, and we have REBT to help us get better.
