by Shannon O’Neill, M.A.
When was the last time you hesitated to do something you enjoyed because you were concerned with another’s reaction or judgment? Often times we generate irrational assumptions about others thoughts, believing we can read their mind. Although most of the time our assumptions have no merit, what if they were true? What would it mean if you did receive public disapproval? Depending on the individual being judged, this could produce very different irrational beliefs. Some may begin to demand, “People must like me!” While others might think, “I cannot stand it that others think poorly of me!” Because of this thinking, we tend to behave less authentically and refrain from behaviors we enjoy. More specifically, we try so hard to be “normal” that we prioritize it above being healthy. The more you are concerned with another person’s judgments, the more you will alter your behavior in order to act “normal” in an attempt to receive their approval. However, this unauthentic behavior creates additional emotional disturbances as you become unhappy with yourself for tailoring your behavior to another person’s liking. Plus, you restrict yourself from behaving how you truly desire.
A shame attack is a very creative intervention used within REBT that is often conducted when the client is self-conscious in social situations. It is conducted by doing something completely ridiculous or outside of “normal” social protocol, without offering any explanation to neutralize the situation. A famous shame attack created by Dr. Ellis is walking a banana on a string in a public space. This exposure and countless others can be performed with the client to demonstrate that we are free to be ourselves. In other words, we can accept who we are without becoming disturbed, attempting to tolerate the discomfort of judgment. One of two things is often discovered after a shame attack: 1) Others either do not notice or do not care about the behavior you are exhibiting; 2) If others do care, nothing terrible happens based on their judgments and you survive.
When you begin to feel socially anxious and wonder what others are thinking about you, ask yourself, “What does it mean if people are judging me?” Although people have the freedom to judge you, it is up to you to agree with their evaluation. You see, the only person that can formulate shame is you and this negative, unhealthy emotion prevents you from living fully. Therefore, shame is in the eye of the beholder. So in conclusion I’ll ask you, would you rather hold yourself back in order to be perceived as “normal” or would you like to move forward and know you are living authentically?
For educational purposes (and a good laugh), please see an example of a shame attack here.
