by Jennifer Shindman, M.S.
The other day, as I was waiting for the train, the overhead monitor that says when the next train is coming was out of order. “Ugh!” I thought to myself, “well isn’t this just great?” “How am I supposed to know when the next train is coming now?” “Am I just supposed to stand here without knowing when the next one will arrive?” “Oh, the UNCERTAINTY!!!” After some time spent doing this, I realized how silly it was. I also realized that only two of the six train stations that I regularly travel through actually have these overhead monitors. This means that I am able to tolerate the uncertainty of not knowing how long I will be waiting for trains in four out of six train stations regularly. Also, because I know that in these four train stations there is no monitor, I do not demand that I know when the next train should come. However, because I have grown accustomed to the comfort of knowing exactly when my next train will arrive, I had difficulty tolerating the uncertainty and not demanding the situation be different than it was on this particular occasion.
I then began to think about how often I do this, how often I tell myself that I just cannot stand not knowing (fill in the blank) and that I need to know! These are pretty strong statements to make. No wonder I feel so frustrated in some uncertain situations! But these things that I am telling myself are not true! It is untrue that I can’t tolerate not knowing when the train is coming because I have tolerated it hundreds, probably thousands of times. There is also no real reason I need to know when the train is coming, as I would survive (as I have) without knowing this information. Thus, it would be helpful to reframe these beliefs into something more functional that would not lead to high levels of frustration. Specifically, rather than demanding I know when my train come, I could prefer to know. I could think, “Although I would really, REALLY like to know when my train is coming, there is no real reason I NEED to know.” Additionally, I could work on tolerating my frustration by thinking, “This is an uncomfortable situation, but I can tolerate it as I have hundreds of times before.” And the truth is, I really do not have any choice in the matter; my train will come when it comes. Thus, it is important to learn to live with uncertainty. As John Allen Paulos wrote, “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
