by Deniz Sidali, M.A.
Why do we have so much difficulty accepting personal responsibility for things going bad? Or conflicts with our loved ones? For our children seeing us as awful parents? Or, simply making a mistake? Well, it could be due to a self-serving bias, which is any cognitive or perceptual process that is distorted by the need to erroneously maintain and enhance our sense of self. Have you ever listened to a friend, family member, or colleague discuss a troublesome matter involving themselves and another individual and wondered, “Gee, I wonder if that is how things really happened?” Well chances are the speaker you are listening to is describing the distressing situation in a manner where they leave out relevant information that makes them look good while they are equally if not more culpable for the matter at hand. And this manner of description is common for many of us, including myself and probably you as well. The bottom line is, we may find it easier to displace blame unto others or external triggering events. Case in point, we may say things like, “My mother was a terrible parent”, while ignoring the fact that we may have behaved quite poorly as children. People tend to displace blame unto others, life circumstances or the world because it may come readily, it feels safe, comfortable, and this would mean we are not to blame, therefore we do not need to change our behavior. This line of reasoning only serves to benefit us for a brief period of time. Then reality sets in and we repeat our same mistakes, we continue to date the same type of people that are wrong for us, and our relations with our parents remain strained.
The fact of the matter is, it is much easier to attempt to change how we think, feel, and behave than it is to expect others, our loved ones, or the world to change for us. As a popular 80s song lyric states, “It takes two to make a thing go right [and wrong].” Changing how we react does not necessarily mean that we are relinquishing control or losing a battle. It actually takes inner strength to admit they we are wrong. Sometimes merely telling someone, “I was wrong, or I am to blame for things going wrong,” can help people view you in a better light and appreciate you more. Maybe because it’s refreshing and not too many people are honest to admit when they messed up. Sometimes a lot of hurt, suffering, and pain can be relieved by simply saying, “I am sorry”. So why fear the thought of being perceived badly when the potential to improve a situation exists. This approach may or may not work. But, think about how many times you wished or thought to yourself, “I wish that person would just own it”. Wouldn’t life be more pleasant, simpler, positive and not as stressful if we all just owned it.
