by Brooke Guttenberg, Psy.D.
Have you ever thought about the expectations you hold for relationships, whether they be friendships or romantic partnerships? Many times we do set such expectations, even if we are not conscious of it. We may decide to only befriend those with whom we share common interests, or those who we feel we can connect with on a deeper level. What happens when people in our lives no longer meet that criteria, or people we just met do not live up to those expectations? Do we lower our expectations to meet the reality of the relationship, or do we forgo the relationship and live by our expectations? Perhaps there are other options?
One question that is important to consider is, why would one lower his/her expectations in order to establish or support a relationship? We can expect anything we want from an individual; however, we begin to run into trouble when we hold onto these expectations so rigidly, despite being inconsistent with the reality of the situation. For instance, let us say that an individual expects her friend to be punctual, but her friend has run on time 1 out of every 10 times. If she demands that her friend be punctual, she will disturb herself the 9 out of 10 times her friend is late. If this individual continues to make herself angry or depressed about her friend not arriving on time, this will only begin to lead to a strain on the relationship.
Rather than “lowering the expectation” of her friend arriving on time, she can continue to hold onto the desire that her friend learn to be punctual, while also accepting that her friend has a tendency to be tardy. Accepting does not mean liking or condoning the behavior, but acknowledging her friend’s limitation and choosing not to disturb herself when the friend is tardy. Furthermore, a friend being tardy does not negate all of her positive qualities, which very well may outweigh this flaw. Once this individual is able to accept and stop disturbing herself, she is in a much better place to problem-solve and determine what steps she would like to make in the relationship. For example, she may tell her friend the meeting time is 10 minutes earlier, or assert herself and express her frustration with the continual tardiness.
Sometimes, difficult decisions need to be made about relationships, and perhaps the behaviors we do not like in a friend or partner outweigh those we do enjoy. In that case, the decision may be focused on how we wish to define the friendship. Again, there does not have to be just two options: “Do I stay in the relationship or do I go?” Rather, one can decide what type of relationship s/he would like to maintain. Once we can challenge our rigid beliefs and change our emotional reactions, we are in a place to problem-solve with more flexibility and can be more open to seeing these different options. The other party may not always agree; however, we are not trapped in an “all-or-nothing paradigm.”
