by Deniz Sidali, M.A.
The other day I was walking on campus, perfectly content that classes were over. I was admiring the beautiful, multi-colored tulips planted in the gardens, which our costly tuition finances, when all of a sudden I ran into Ms. Five Year Plan. Ms. Five Year Plan is a year below me in the doctoral program and a highly intense, dare I say, high strung fellow student. There was no way I could possibly avoid her and we came face to face, locking eyes. Before I could say “hello”, she greeted me with “Hey, Deniz what are you doing next year?” To which I replied, “I don’t know. Enjoying life”. To which she responded, “Well, what’s your five year plan?” I thought to myself, “What does she mean by my five year plan?” After some consideration, I understood this to mean, “Will you be done with the Ph.D. program in the next year?” Another person related to a psychologist I know asked if I would be done in four years like her daughter. I guess I could get done in five years, if I only sleep three hours a day. Maybe I could get done in four years if I owned a cape and changed into a costume in a telephone booth. It’s not unheard of to accomplish things in a short time frame. But, should that be each individual’s goal in life? The answer is, “No”. I completed my undergraduate studies in four years and realized afterwards that I could have taken my sweet time doing so. So what is all the fuss about? It’s true our time is limited on this earth, and I don’t aspire to be in graduate school for the remainder of my adult life. However, I am older than Ms. Five Year Plan and my fellow students and I enjoy the actual experience of learning. It took me a long time to get here and I want to savor it a little longer. Plus I can afford to be a student a little longer. Yes, I believe everyone needs to abide by deadlines and set achievable goals. This is simply our reality at times. However, I want to enjoy the process. By process, I mean that I want to enjoy the process of learning, growing and not do so in a stressful manner.
I could have a five year plan as Ms. Five Year Plan suggests. But sometimes as they say in Hebrew “we make plans and God laughs” when things don’t always turn out the way we expected. Maybe Ms. Five Year Plan can learn to live in and enjoy the moment because if she can’t enjoy the moment, how does she expect to enjoy her future? Now by all means, I don’t expect Ms. Five Year Plan to conform at all for my sake. I merely smile politely and choose to have limited contact with her. I simply choose to agree to disagree and keep it moving. I felt kind of guilty for being so curt with Ms. Five Year Plan and running off as quickly as I could. But, I did so out of the sheer anxiety that her inquisitive queries usually induce in me. But being a proponent of REBT, I know that it cannot be Ms. Five Year Plan’s fault alone, but rather the thoughts I am having about the interaction. Some of these thoughts are, “Oh my goodness. Not her, not now.”, “She is just too intense for me.”, “Crap! She is going to ask me some foolish questions that will interfere with my admiration of these lovely tulips.” “Darn it! Now I have to focus on graduating and develop a stupid five year plan or else I am a failure or not good enough”. By the way, I know none of these thoughts are true because they are irrational. Ms. Five Year Plan is actually quite a lovely person besides being a more diligent student than I am. So, I don’t want to make unhealthy negative comparisons between myself and Ms. Five Year Plan. I want to accept myself and my life choices as well as my peer’s choices. Maybe if I stopped long enough to have a proper dialogue with Ms. Five Year Plan, it wouldn’t feel like a drive-by shooting of our life goals. Actually, the more I avoid her, the more my unhealthy anxiety and guilt intensifies around her. So, I should probably do the opposite and invite her out for coffee to chat. That’s if I really care to want to take the time to develop this relationship further. At any rate, I realize that I am not a failure because there isn’t any evidence to support that conclusion. I need to increase the percentage of rational statements I tell myself in order to feel less anxious. I can say things such as, “It would be nice if I finished the Ph.D. program in five years, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if it took me a little longer”. I like to live by the mantra that Dr. Ray DiGiuseppe often quotes, which is “All roads lead to Rome”. Ms. Five Year Plan and I will both graduate and be successful whether it happens in exactly five years or a bit longer.
