by Brianna Cheney, M.A.
As a doctoral student with minimal free time, I struggle to balance maintaining my interpersonal relationships with making time for myself. I frequently push myself to spend time with friends and loved ones, even when exhausted, in order to assure myself that I am seeing my loves ones as much as I ought to and that I am being a good daughter, sister, aunt, or friend. And in the rare times when I do prioritize “me time”, I am often so preoccupied by guilt and ruminative thoughts about what I should be doing that I am not present in what I am doing. For instance, the rare occasions when I watch my guilty-pleasure TV shows become marked by more guilt and less pleasure when I distract myself with catastrophic thoughts about the fate of the relationships I have been neglecting as of late.
In the language of REBT, my guilt undoubtedly warrants the label of an unhealthy negative emotion. When I feel guilty, I am not only less likely to engage in much-needed self-care (e.g., getting adequate sleep and exercise) but also less likely to benefit from any self-care that I do engage in if I am focused on thoughts of what I shouldbe doing instead. Furthermore, when I am motivated to spend time with my loved ones out of guilt rather than genuine preference, guilt paradoxically leads me to be less present in the same relationships that I am concerned about maintaining.
In using REBT to change my unhealthy guilt, I first reflected upon the thoughts that I have in these moments when I feel guilty. The two biggest culprits are my irrational beliefs about how I should behave in my relationships and the self-downing thoughts that I have if I do not fulfill my self-imposed demands (e.g., “I am a bad friend if I do not say ‘yes’ to seeing my friend.”). These beliefs are not only unhelpful (as my ensuing guilt interferes with my relationships and with my self-care), but they are also inaccurate! If I ask myself Am I really a bad friend for not seeing my friend this one time?,” I can think of a considerable amount of evidence to the contrary. For starters, the number of times I make time for my friends far outnumber the times when I choose not to see them, and second, choosing to see my friend –or not see my friend- on a given occasion does not define me as a friend. I may not be able to see my friends as frequently as I might like to, but, when I do see them, I can still be a friend who is caring, listens well and makes others laugh.
Lately, when I notice myself experiencing one of these irrational, guilt-inducing thoughts, I make an effort to rehearse a new, rational belief: “I would prefer to see my friends and loved ones more frequently, but there’s no reason I MUST, and choosing not to see them sometimes does not make me a bad friend.” It still takes effort to identify, challenge, and replace my irrational beliefs; however, when I successfully do so, I feel regret rather than an all-consuming guilt and I am thus able to act in ways that are aligned with both my interpersonal relationship and self-care goals.
