by Elissa Habinsky, M.A., M.S.
Have you ever seen parents’ Facebook posts following a long holiday weekend or school vacation? I have. And what I have noticed are two distinct types of posts. The first are those lamenting that the holiday is over, and are often accompanied by wonderful family photographs. On the flip-side are those posts that express how exasperating child-rearing can be, and relief to finally be returning to work. Extended breaks often elicit such dichotomous posts as a result of uninterrupted blocks of time at home with one, if not multiple children. When I come across either kind of post it reminds me of how important our beliefs are with respect to parenting.
Although there is no shortage of parenting books or approaches on the market, most of them tend to be “skills-based”. This simply means that they focus on teaching parents behavioral strategies based on operant and classical conditioning. Furthermore, they instruct parents on how to increase positive interactions with children, while reducing bad, poor and inconsistent parenting practices. While such strategies are an essential component of any parenting program, they are not sufficient as they do not address the irrational beliefs (IBs) that so many parents hold. These beliefs may include, “My children should obey me, and if they don’t , I am a bad parent”, “It is terrible when my children don’t listen to me“, and “I cannot stand it when my children misbehave” among others. Moreover, these beliefs are often what interfere with the implementation of behavioral interventions.
REBT’s positive parenting approach is novel as it addresses parents’ beliefs. REBT assumes that parents’ IBs lead to distinct maladaptive parenting styles. Thus, it targets parents’ IBs first, before teaching any effective parenting skills. In this way, parents are more likely to be successful when they do implement new strategies. Then, once parents are trained to manage their own stress, they serve as positive role models, as well as coaches for their children in emotional regulation. Finally, parents are taught effective child management strategies such as using rewards and negative consequences, as well as effective communication and problem-solving techniques.
Since all parents can attest that raising children is both a blessing, as well as an incredible challenge, all parents would benefit from examining their own beliefs and how they may, at times, affect their parenting effectiveness.
