by Brianna Cheney, M.A.
For many of us, when we hear a friend, partner or loved one in emotional pain, we want to help them feel better. Our instinctual urge might be to offer practical advice (Have you tried __? What if you ___?, You need to ____!) with the aim of solving their problem and easing their emotional strife. While problem-solving can be helpful at times, it can be unhelpful –and even invalidating- if what your loved one really wants is for someone to acknowledge their emotional experience. Based on my work with families –and from personal experience- I realize that validating rather than problem-solving can be much easier said than done! Many of us can think back to times when all we wanted was to be listened to rather than preached to, yet we still find it hard to refrain from jumping into problem-solving mode when in the listening role.
So why is it so hard to listen and acknowledge feelings without giving advice? Listening to loved ones discuss their emotional pain can be emotionally distressing for the listener, as doing so may trigger anxiety, guilt and frustration, especially when there is little the listener can do to fix the problem. My hypothesis is that our own emotional distress leads us to preach and problem-solve, rather than to listen and acknowledge the other person’s emotional pain.
In order to reduce the unhealthy negative emotions (UNEs) that get in the way of your listening, you might reflect on what you’re saying to yourself as you listen to a loved one who is struggling. One common irrational belief that people experience is “I can’t stand to see their loved ones in pain” and “I should/must do something to help.” If these thoughts resonate with you, try rehearsing a rational alternative belief, such as: It’s unpleasant to hear my loved one in pain, but I can certainly tolerate it and doing so will help me to listen better. If you are able to get yourself to actively listen –rather than advise- in these moments, you may be surprised by how emotionally validating and helpful this can be for your loved one!
