by Mark Schiffman, M.S.
The pursuit of happiness is a cornerstone of the Declaration of Independence and is something that many spend much time, money and effort to try and attain. Happiness, perhaps the prototype of positive emotions, is often put on a pedestal and is seen in only a positive light. Happiness is like the beloved child who can do no wrong and all the other sibling emotions are jealous of him. However, happiness, like almost everything else in the world, is not completely wonderful, and my goal in this blog, as well in some future posts, is to explore what Yale psychologist June Gruber calls the “dark side of happiness.”
Albert Ellis encouraged the pursuit of happiness as being achieved in part by living a rational life. In REBT we generally focus on how irrational beliefs lead to unhealthy negative emotions, but the truth is that irrational beliefs can also lead to unhealthy positive emotions. We usually focus on how the irrational belief of awfulizing can lead to depression and anxiety, but there is also a flipside to awfulizing that is irrational as well, and that is what Ellis once called wonderfulizing.
Often, when people fall in love, they have a tendency to only see all of the greatness in their beloved. This can often lead to an intense happiness, which only a poet, and perhaps Nicholas Sparks, can truly describe. While many try to pursue such fairytale relationships, since wonderfulizing is irrational, it can, and often does, lead to negative outcomes. Rationally, everyone is comprised of a mixture of positive and negative traits and actions. Nobody is perfect. If we wonderfulize, if/when the relationship runs out of fairy dust, it can often result in resentment and disappointment.
However, it would be foolish (and unpopular) to unequivocally argue against wonderfulizing. Some have argued that the irrationally driven positive emotion is what is necessary to drive humans into relationships because if left to the rational mind, there would be many fewer long-term relationships (Power and Dalgleish, 2007). The intense positive emotions brought upon by wonderfulizing are necessary to motivate people into relationships and “blind” them of the faults of the other.
So is wonderfulizing good or bad? The answer seems to be – it depends. Wonderfulizing is great, to an extent. Perhaps, the take home message is to be aware of this phenomenon so if/when reality hits, we can revert back to rational idea that nobody is completely wonderful or completely terrible. This idea, while not as enticing as wonderfulizing, will likely have a more sustainable positive impact on a long-term relationship.
