by William Taboas, M.A.
Do you consider yourself 100% authentic all of the time, and with everybody? Of course not; we tend to adjust our behavior to the person, topic, context and social occasion. However, being hypervigilant at all times has a cost: we become socially anxious. So, how often do you stop and ask yourself if you are being too agreeable in a conversation? Do you often think others will judge you for disagreeing or having a differing opinion? Do you often become defensive? Chances are that you’re not being yourself. You’re not being genuine! Ego anxiety can be holding you back from being genuine.
Ego anxiety is often accompanied by feelings of depression, shame, guilt, and inadequacy. To distinguish Ego Anxiety from Discomfort Anxiety, Albert Ellis wrote on the topic in a 2003 journal article:
“Discomfort anxiety (DA) I define as emotional tension that results when people feel (1) that their comfort (or life) is threatened, (2) that they should or must get what they want (and should not or must not get what they don’t want), and (3) that it is awful or catastrophic (rather than merely inconvenient or disadvantageous) when they don’t get what they supposedly must. Ego anxiety I define as emotional tension that results when people feel (1) that their self or personal worth is threatened, (2) that they should or must perform well and/or be approved by others, and (3) that it is awful or catastrophic when they don’t perform well and/or are not approved by others as supposedly should or must be.”
Behaving in a genuine and authentic manner is not necessarily about lacking care about what others think. You can still care, but not let their opinions or beliefs define your own opinions and beliefs about your self-worth. Dr. Ellis would argue that to be genuine, you would have to give up the need for approval and the accompanying catastrophizing beliefs of being disapproved by others. In the process of giving up the need for approval, one can strike a balance between striving for good performance, having a good time, whilst not letting the approval of others (and the demands onto oneself) dictate a need to be meticulous with one’s behavior. So go ahead and take risks, and be yourself.
“If you haven’t made any mistakes lately, you’re either dead or playing things extraordinarily safe.” – Windy Dryden
References
Ellis, A. (2003). Discomfort anxiety: A new cognitive-behavioral construct (part I). Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 21(3), 183-191.
