by William Taboas, M.A.
The way I visualize what Albert Ellis called “demandingness” is similar to the way I imagine contracts that are meant to be broken. For instance, demanding perfection only guarantees disappointment. Sure, striving and aiming for a goal that is next to perfect is a preferable feat, but by no means should be expected to be 100% perfect all of the time.
Now imagine, as an illustration, that a demand for perfectionism as a contract: ” My work must always be pristine. My life should be flawless. My relationships should have no missteps.” Or a demand for fairness: “The World must be fair. People should treat me fairly”. And with every clause of demand is your signature endorsing that you will abide to those beliefs. You would expect these types of contracts to be broken frequently in the span of a lifetime. And with every broken contract, an emotional and behavioral response to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. Good luck with that.
Instead of a contract, I would instead endorse a guideline. Guidelines are flexible; they follow a preferable direction, but in no ways are steadfast and rigid laws. And if you expect and allow that people, including yourself, will frequently veer off guidelines, how will you feel and behave instead of abiding to demands and contracts? Rational preferences are very much like guidelines; you can keep the core content of the contract, you just don’t have to always sign it.
