by Mark Schiffman, M.S.
A few weeks ago I wrote about how some of us struggle with being bobble-heads, namely, being incapable of saying no in response to another’s request. There is another subgroup of us who struggle with an almost opposite problem, not with being bobble-heads, but with being hot-heads. When someone asks us to do something we don’t automatically say yes, instead, we snap back “no – I can’t help you! Stop asking me already!” This approach can also be damaging as it could lead others to avoid being in our company, because let’s face it, very few people enjoy being around an angry grouch.
Often, when people finally realize that their angry way of speaking is hurting their relationships and decide they want to change their behavior, they are at a loss for what to say or do. “How else am I supposed to respond but to snap back a ‘no’? After all, I don’t want to be a pushover!” However, the big secret is that in between the angry response and the pushover, bobble-head response is the assertive response, namely, “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you right now.”
As we practice this assertive approach, it might be helpful to identify any irrational beliefs we might have that are getting in the way of us actually using this response. “S/he is always asking me to do stuff and I can’t take it anymore” can be changed to “S/he is always asking me to do stuff, and I don’t have to like it, but I can definitely stand it!” “It is really terrible that s/he keeps asking me for help” can be changed to “It is unfortunate that s/he keeps asking me for help but it is not 100% terrible.” “S/he is a bad person for always trying to guilt me into helping him/her” could be changed to “The act of trying to guilt me into helping him/her may or may be a bad act, but it definitely does not warrant a global label of being ‘bad’.” If we can change our unhelpful beliefs, we may have a better shot at coming up with an assertive response when the time comes.
