by Stephanie Schwartz, M.S.
As a therapist who uses the REBT approach, I am sensitive to the word “should.” From the REBT perspective, demandingness is a core irrational belief that causes disturbance. This frequently includes beliefs that involve phrases such as, “I should,” “I must,” or “I have to.” However, these are also common phrases that we use all the time without feeling disturbed. So, it isn’t the words per se, but what the person actually means by them. For example, I have recently been participating in an exercise challenge where I am trying to attend a certain number of classes in one month. A belief that goes through my head each day is “I should attend a class today.” However, when I say this I don’t actually mean, “I absolutely have to go to a class today” and I would not condemn myself if I did not go. The “should” for me in this instance actually means, “if I want to achieve my exercise goal it would be good if I go to today’s class.” In this situation, saying such actually motivates and reminds me of my goal. So, the next time you use the word “should,” ask yourself: “Am I placing a demand on myself and would I condemn myself if I don’t achieve it?” or “Is this a preference that has no bearing on how I view myself as a person?”
