by Stephanie Grossman, M.A.
As someone with high interoceptive awareness, I am constantly attuned to any changes or sensations I experience in my body. Usually, when something feels a little “off,” like a tingling in my leg, occasional blurry vision, or stomach pain, I have learned to brush it off, turn my attention elsewhere, and almost always, the sensation subsides and I am back to “normal.” Sometimes, though, when I am in a state of heightened stress, and particularly when I’m suffering from insomnia, I begin to have increased physiological discomfort, and find it difficult to think as rationally about these symptoms. Instead, I catastrophize about each sensation. For example, a stomach pain is no longer simple indigestion, but very likely appendicitis! Last week, after a particularly sleepless few nights, I began experiencing irregular heartbeats. At first, I tried to ignore these sensations, but as they became more frequent, I started becoming anxious. Part of me remained grounded, aware of the likelihood that these arrhythmias were related to my lack of sleep and psychological stress, and were nothing dangerous. After consulting with my doctor friends, who assured me it was fine, but to get an EKG just in case, I was still anxious about these symptoms, spending far too long on sites like WebMD, diagnosing myself with various heart disorders. Unsurprisingly, the more I attended to this symptom, and worried about it, the worse it became. Thoughts like, “I can’t stand this strange heartbeat!” and “I can’t tolerate not knowing what’s wrong with me” came to mind. I tried my best, though, to balance engaging in proactive problem-solving, while also trying to remain rational, and not let symptoms like this get in the way of living my life. Instead of rushing to the emergency room, I told myself to give it time. I went to bed, taught my class the next morning, and after continuing to experience symptoms, I decided to consult with my physician. It turns out, my EKG was normal, and both stress and sleep deprivation can trigger arrhythmias, which though uncomfortable, aren’t life-threatening. And even if something was wrong with my heart, worrying excessively about it and trying to self-diagnose, is not helpful for my mind or my body. Accepting that I can tolerate discomfort and uncertainty, and that I can’t always get the answer or get help right away, will in the future allow me to cope with these inevitable symptoms, and may even play a role in eradicating them.
