by Monica Shah, M.Ed.
Let’s face it – relationships aren’t easy. Conflict between partners is unavoidable, and it can bring up a whole slew of unhealthy negative emotions such as anger, anxiety, and hurt. Relationships can also provide us with love and security, and a companion with whom to walk through life. So how do we deal with conflict in order to reap the many benefits of relationships?
The first step is to understand that our partners are not creating our distress – we are. This is not to say that self-blame is the answer, but instead taking ownership of our reactions and accepting ourselves for having them. REBT posits that we create our own emotional disturbances, and our demands and shoulds about our partners and relationships lead to our unhealthy emotions, cognitions, and behaviors. Some of these demands might be: 1) My relationship must be perfect, or it’s not worth keeping, 2) My partner should agree with me on everything, 3) Solutions that work for me personally must also work for us as a couple, 4) My partner should fulfill all of my needs, 5) My partner must love me 100% of the time, and 6) We must enjoy doing the same things. The rigidity of these unhealthy beliefs is what creates our unhealthy emotions in relationships – the more inflexible our demands, the more emotionally disturbed we will make ourselves. Healthy beliefs are flexible, logical, helpful, and consistent with reality (e.g., “I strongly prefer that we enjoy doing the same things but there’s no reason we must, I can stand it that we don’t, and it does not mean that you don’t love me if we don’t”). If we can learn to think more flexibly and accept responsibility for our emotions and actions, we will be able to communicate with our partners in a more effective way.
Other unhealthy beliefs that add insult to injury during relationship conflict are awfulizing (e.g., “It is awful that we are fighting!”), frustration intolerance (e.g., “I can’t stand this situation!”), and global evaluations of worth (e.g., “She is a rotten person for acting like this!”). These beliefs will only lead us to feeling more angry, anxious, and hurt when in conflict, which will decrease our likelihood of problem solving effectively. By recognizing these unhealthy beliefs at play and replacing them with more healthy ones over time, we can increase our chances of feeling better and getting better results in our relationships.
Relationships all come with some share of conflict – this is inevitable when you’re combining different people with different lives! Though we have limited control over our partner’s thoughts and actions, we do have control over how we think and act. The next time you’re disagreeing, take a look at the demands that you’re placing on your relationship. Once you’re able to ease your stance and handle conflicts more flexibly, you will be able to connect better with your partner and resolve your disagreements in a way that works for both of you.
What are the demands that you are placing on your relationship? Can you find a way to think more flexibly when in conflict?