By Ray DiGiuseppe, Ph.D.
After finishing my doctorate in 1975, I arrived at the AEI to study under Albert Ellis. One of the requirements at that time was for all trainees to attend an experiential group therapy lead by Al. As part of this group, Al required that all of us participate in his infamous shame attacking exercises. This therapeutic technique involves picking a behavior you avoid because it elicits shame or anxiety about doing it. Al’s rationale was that people often restrict their behaviors because of the perceived awful rejection that we imagine others will display towards us for acting as we might. In his group each participant had to pick a behavior we experienced the most dread about doing in public. As a youth I always abhorred hats. I though they looked silly and avoided wearing them at all costs. My dad wore hats, and as a young child my mom tried to make me wear them. However, this insight into my early experiences did not extinguish my fear. When Al asked me what was the last thing I would do in public, I said, wear a hat. As we discussed the exercise, Al suggested that I pick the most ridiculous hat I could imagine. I avoided answering him, so Al chirped up that he knew the perfect hat for me. He suggested the Deerstalker worn by the fictional detective, Sherlock Holms. You know the type with two brims, one in the front and another in the back, and the ear muffs tied over the top. The horror on my face convinced the group that this was the assignment for me. I set out to purchase this hat.
Shame attacking exercises are behavioral exposure assignments that have people perform behaviors that they fear or experience shame about doing. Perhaps the title shame attack is a misnomer, as people often experience social anxiety about doing these behaviors. The exercise has three goals. First and most important, is to provide experiences that proves that you can act against your emotions, survive the discomfort, and behave as you planned despite unhealthy negative emotions. Second, it convinces you that even if people dislike or disapprove of you for your behavior, it is not awful and you can stand their disapproval. Third and least important, it teaches us that most people do not even notice what we do, and we exaggerate the disapproval and reject we expect.
I wore that deerstalker hat for almost 9 months straight. Only the warm weather stopped me from sporting this heavy wool cap. I did survive the strong negative emotions that I experienced while wearing it. Some people did mock me for my hat; but I survived their disapproval as well. Most surprising, many people complemented me on the hat and my bravery for wearing such an unconventional hat.
After that year, I put the hat aside and did not wear it for a while. But I missed it. I started admiring hats, and eventually bought some other more conventional ones to wear in the winter. I was scared, but I survived it. And few people even noticed.
That was 43 years ago. Presently, I am a Panama hat aficionado. I have a series of Panama hats that I wear in the warmer seasons. Whenever I go to Puerto Rico, I visit my favorite hat shop (Ole on Fortaleza Street in Old San Juan) where I purchase new Panamas to have when one wears out. I have several winter hats made of suede or wool.
So my greatest social fear turned into an enjoyment. I get lots of complements on my hats, which was not the point of Al’s exercise. But I did learn that I could stand unpleasant emotions, and that things that you abhor could become a pleasure. Thanks Al.
What will be your shame attack?