By: Joseph Castrogiovanni, M.S., MHC-LP
My best friend is getting married today. Everyone is here and having a great time. What in the world could I possibly be feeling angry about? And why does it feel like someone is missing? Ugh! Yay- time to smile for another picture.
As we waited for the ceremony to begin, an old friend passed by and handed something to the groom. When I went over to take a closer look I saw there was a Doug Funnie (cartoon character) keychain swinging from his finger. Our eyes filled with tears. I immediately realized who was missing and what I was angry about. The keychain belonged to the late Robert A. Scivoletti, the groom’s father. Though it has been seven years since his passing, he was especially missed that day.
In that moment I remember thinking: “Rob is supposed to be here. Why did he die so young? Life shouldn’t be so unfair!” I recognized that my demand for fairness was causing my anger and knew that I had a choice to make: continue to make myself angry or debate my irrational belief and enjoy the wedding. In remembering Rob’s fun-loving nature, I chose the latter.
This was easier said than done, especially since I felt justified in my anger. Nonetheless, life does not care how angry I can make myself. In fact, no amount of anger will bring him back. Just because I really want life to be fair does not mean it must be. It’s very unfortunate that this happened to Rob and his family, but that does not mean that life itself is unfair. After all, life does not discriminate, and this could have happened to anyone (and does every day).
With that in mind, it’s futile for me to hold onto my demand. Continuing to hold this belief will not miraculously change the past; nor will it help me reach my goal of enjoying the wedding. Though I wish life was fair, there is no reason it has to be.
Because of this realization I was able to feel disappointment instead of anger. This negative emotion was much healthier for me. For example, disappointment is a much less disturbing emotion and I was able to be more social (e.g., as opposed to stewing in my anger and withdrawing from others). But most importantly my disappointment didn’t stop me from enjoying the wedding.
By debating our irrational beliefs, we afford ourselves the opportunity to regain self-control in uncontrollable situations. Though negative emotions are a part of life, they do not have to be unhealthy. The choice is yours. Have you ever found yourself in this type of scenario?