By Monica Shah, M.Ed.

Have you ever been going through your day, and all of a sudden, you get hit with an unexpected change?  You were planning on one thing, and now you have to switch gears completely.  How do you deal with it?  Do you feel angry or anxious about the change?  What are the thoughts running through your head?

This happened to me recently, and I have to say, I was pissed.  There was some anxiety in there too (e.g., how am I going to change my entire dissertation proposal the day before I have to submit it?!), and definitely some catastrophizing.  After stewing about this for days, I noticed that my thought patterns were aligning with three of the core irrational beliefs outlined in REBT:

 

  • “Why is this happening?! It shouldn’t be happening this way!  I shouldn’t have to change this!” (Demandingness)
  • “This is awful! It’s the worst thing ever!” (Awfulizing)
  • “I can’t stand this! It’s too hard to change now!!” (Frustration Intolerance)

Thinking about it in this way was making me more and more angry/anxious, and talking (or complaining) about it with others just did the same.  Any time these beliefs crossed my mind, I would feel more pissed and panicky, yet I kept replaying them and sticking to this extreme way of thinking.

How does cycling through those beliefs serve us in these situations?  They don’t affect the outcome, and only create more distress for ourselves.  In fact, holding on to those beliefs locks us in that simmering, anxiety-ridden place.  Instead of insisting that it shouldn’t be happening this way, can we accept that life is not always going to go how we expect?  While life may be unfair at times, it does not have to be easy.  Ask yourself: How is holding these beliefs working for me?  If it’s not, you may want to consider challenging them for yourself.  Is this really the worst thing ever?  Even though I don’t like this sudden change, can I stand it?  If it absolutely shouldn’t be this way, it wouldn’t be…so why am I holding on to that demand?

Moreover, it is happening this way now, so how am I going to deal with it?

By challenging our irrational beliefs and replacing them with more rational ones (e.g., even though I don’t like this, I can stand it), we can go from unhealthy negative emotions (such as anger and anxiety) to healthy negative emotions (such as annoyance and concern), which will likely help us to be more effective problem solvers.

So, the next time an unexpected change hits you out of nowhere, try taking a step back and looking at the issue “rationally”, rather than wasting time and energy stewing about it.  In order to handle the unexpected frustrations and changes that will inevitably occur in our lives, acceptance, adjustment, and problem-solving are the key.  In the words of Albert Ellis, “Do, don’t stew!”