By Ashley Oliver, M.S.
Someone asked me recently if married life without children was “fulfilling.”
The question itself implies that the way to feel “fulfillment” in a marriage is to have children. Well…Hi my name is Ashley and I am married, childless, and feel “fulfilled.”
Unfortunately, I have received some variation of the dreaded “So when are you going to have a baby?” question from people since getting married almost 4 years ago. It’s as if right after saying I Do, someone placed a permanent mark on my forehead saying “Must have kids ASAP,” Yes, it is 2018 and societal constructs do in fact still exist, but marriage and having a child can be completely independent of each other. Before my husband and I married, we talked about having kids and agreed we were in no rush. We both decided that we wanted to work towards our personal career goals first. And if and when we wanted to try to conceive, we both knew we would make that decision when the time was right for us.
Why is it that people react so strongly when the choice to delay having kids becomes known? Do they feel threatened by that childless choice? Perhaps expectations play a part. Those who choose to not have children, especially when married, seem to be considered odd, and on the fringes of society. Though the views of what constitutes a family may be changing, the choice to not have or delay having children still evokes strong responses. Though infertility may bring about sympathy and understanding, if the decision to delay having kids is deliberate, then the couple seems to be viewed strangely.
Personally, I desire to have kids. It is part of who I am. But my worth is not determined by my ability or desire to reproduce. My worth is determined the same way as everyone else: I have worth because I am a human being. I love my life and I love my marriage. I am unapologetic about my choice to not have kids right now and I don’t have to feel pressured to fill the demands of others who disagree with my choice. Some people feel a strong passion and desire to become a parent, others don’t. Regardless of the circumstance, you are still a worthy human being.
Just because society has a blueprint for how my life is supposed to go doesn’t mean that I’m a failure or morally bankrupt if I choose not to follow. How about we recognize that we are individuals with different goals, preferences, priorities and values. Do what works best for you, whether that means having 0 kids or enough to create a whole football team. Either way, I will continue enjoying my married, childless AND “fulfilled” life.
What societal pressure do you currently face? And what do you do or tell yourself to help you overcome it?