by Kimberly Alexander, M.S.
For a long time before graduate school, I thought that being a therapist was the last thing I’d be professionally. Although I have held and hold deep respect for the field, I have always felt drawn to activism and, logically, Community Psychology seemed to be the field that best suited my interests. As years filled with failures, successes and a constant chase to “catch” adulthood, I eventually ended up deciding to enter a doctoral program ins School Psychology. This may seem like quite a leap, but I have been given a virtue and a vice to almost seamlessly adapt to different roles and to take on a multitude of varying interests. As I near the end of this long journey through graduate school, I find this all too familiar internal stir occurring – an overwhelming feeling and even a sense of desperation in me. I know what needs to be done but I don’t know where to begin.
Which decision is the “right” decision? What is the “best” first step to make?
I can’t imagine that this is an experience uncommon to many others. Maybe we all experience this feeling at different time points in life but I think it is a collective experience to ask yourself, “What do I want in life? and “What is my purpose?” You see the caveat here is that these questions are in fact, OK. Consider them internal events that trigger us to experience a host of thoughts and emotions that may or may not be ideal.
Let’s put it this way… if you have the answers to the questions, “What do I want in life? and “What is my purpose?” and you like your answers, then you’ll likely feel pretty good.
However, if you don’t have those answers and you hold some pretty lofty expectations about what those answers “should” be, then you’ll probably be experiencing some form of discomfort similar to what I feel. That is, my feeling of being overwhelmed and a sense of desperation is rooted in my lofty expectations to have ALL the answers… I MUST know what my purpose in life is and then I MUST know what is the “best” first step to make. If I don’t, then I will feel overwhelmed and desperate which will be TOO uncomfortable to bear.
However, there’s one catch! These lofty expectations CREATE the same feeling of being overwhelmed and desperate that I am trying to prevent myself from experiencing and that which I believe I cannot bear. As a result, I delay my goals, struggle to take action and ultimately stifle my own potential.
So just to put it out into the universe and make a real non-dogmatic proclamation, I believe my purpose is to incorporate into my work as a therapist, my desire for activism by supporting individuals who are burdened with the emotional trauma of the “isms” they encounter. In my opinion, I do not have the level of depth and breadth of knowledge of all “isms” to speak on or treat the emotional problems individuals experience in face of various “isms”. As a result, my first step is to further develop my knowledge. How I achieve developing my knowledge in this area can take a variety of forms which is where I get stuck in my emotional hold. But the more I stare at the wealth of knowledge I have access to, I choose to think of the abundance of opportunities to become more informed instead of the abundance of opportunities at my disposal that I can’t make a decision about which to choose first.
Thus, in coming to terms with my search for meaning, I came across this statement adapted from Talmudic texts, “Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.”