By Monica Shah, M.Ed.
Communicating our desires, needs, and opinions can be important in maintaining healthy relationships in which both parties are satisfied. When you are less than content in your relationships and avoid asserting yourself, over time you may feel unhappy, become disturbed, and want to end or distance yourself from the relationship. So, by speaking up, you can actually make a move to save your relationships!
However, the way that we speak up is a critical factor which many people overlook. Assertiveness can be the key to avoiding resentment in relationships. Being assertive involves drawing boundaries for yourself, dealing with conflict calmly, and communicating effectively, directly, and with confidence. Assertiveness also includes showing gratitude, being mindful, validating others, and acknowledging others’ autonomy by giving them a choice rather than making a demand. It involves letting people know that you don’t like something they have said or done, making a suggestion for change, and negotiating a resolution together.
Our need for approval and desire to avoid conflict can maintain non-assertiveness. When we express how we really feel and draw boundaries for ourselves, there is always a chance that the other person will disapprove, become upset, or even reject the relationship. However, the result of non-assertiveness will likely be feelings of dissatisfaction, self-anger, or resentment over time – particularly when we refrain from being assertive in areas that we judge as important to us. By speaking up, you show both others and yourself that you value your own feelings and welfare at least as equally as you do theirs. It isn’t about feeling no concern for their feelings – it’s about feeling concern for yours as well.
It is important to distinguish assertiveness from aggressiveness. Being aggressive implies acting against the other person, and involves delivering negative feedback in a way that includes a moralistic judgment or a demand for change. Being assertive, on the other hand, focuses on expressing oneself openly in a non-threatening way. Aggressiveness is a reaction that often stems from anger. Thus, being assertive is a two-step process.
First, what will you think and say to yourself in order to be assertive rather than aggressive? By thinking, “He shouldn’t be doing this” or, “She’s horrible for doing that”, you will likely cross over into anger, hostility, and aggressiveness. Instead, try saying to yourself, “I wish he wouldn’t do that” or, “I don’t like that she does that, but it doesn’t define her as a person” to maintain a calm, concerned, and assertive state.
Second, what will you say to the other person and how will you say it? Here are some tips that can help in speaking up assertively, rather than aggressively:
o Focus on the behavior, not the person (e.g., “I thought you were seeing things negatively in that situation” instead of, “You’re so negative”)
o Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel angry when you do that”, instead of, “You make me so angry!”)
o Keep it brief and to-the-point (e.g., “When you (verb), I feel (emotion), and I would like you to (request)”)
o Avoid the urge to bring up past events or predict future misdeeds (e.g., “I wish you would ask directly for what you want”, instead of, “You’ve been doing this for years; you’ll probably never just say what you want”)
o Take full responsibility for your opinions, feelings, and desires (e.g., “I didn’t like the way you said that”, instead of, “Nobody would like the way you said that!”)
These tips can help when we are feeling dissatisfied in our relationships and would like to speak up in order to save them.
What’s a relationship in your life in which you would like to behave more assertively?
