By: Stephen C. Bosco, M.A.
As the holidays approached, I began to experience an overwhelming sense of anxiety about returning back home to Connecticut. The anxiety was a byproduct of the actual going back home and the spending a week with my parents. Let me just say that I love my parents and my family, but it is the small-town mindset of both the inhabitants of my hometown but also my parents that manages to get under my skin. My family has lived in the same town, in the same house, on the same street, with the same neighbors for the past 37 years. As a child, growing up in this stagnant environment allowed for a great sense of comfort and safety. I felt great comfort knowing that I was protected from whatever dangers lived outside the walls of my hometown. However, as a gay man growing up in this small town, I began to think of myself as an outcast, and my naïve sense of safety was no longer available. This belief that I was an outcast in my hometown was perpetuated by the fact that every time I went home there was some “townie” that would make a homophobic comment towards me. With that being said, you could image my going back to that place evoked a sense of anxiety. Yet the potential of being verbally harassed by an ignorant “townie” was not the driving force that increased my anxiety, it was the time I would be spending my parents and other family members.
Being with my parents is not a bad thing; it is their inability to fully understand my life. I constantly think that I have to prove my worth to them, and that is not time well spent. I want to be able to walk into my house and not be bombarded with hundreds of questions about my career choices and well-being. I want to be able to express my sexuality and love life with them, but I continuously receive an inauthentic sense of support. I have experienced a lack of acceptance from numerous members of my home town, but the thought of that same lack of acceptance from my parents and other family members is too much to tolerate. To cope with this discomfort, I often hide my sexuality and play the role of a person they believe me to be. I feel shame because I do not fit in the mold my parents built for me. I know deep down that my parents love me and will go to war for me, but I have a hard time believing that idea when they disregard any information pertaining to my personal life and love life. I am plagued by my desire to speak up and tell them how I feel, yet I fear that I will be not be heard. It was the holiday season and my family was littered with family drama that casted a dark cloud over any type of family gathering, so why should I add fuel to the fire?
My irrational belief that I must hide myself in order to appease my parents is hard to break. They have a vision of who I am, and who am I to destroy that vision? Is this belief one that is shared with others as children fear they will disappoint their parents or other family members? That we might be looked at in a different light when our real life is exposed?
What transpired over the holidays was me being myself as the only person I want to be and that is the only person I truly know how to be. There were no words exchanged between my family and I as I did not feel the need to disrupt the holiday cheer, but even with me being me I began to feel my once lost sense of safety and comfort coming back together. I have accepted my life and my way of living despite the hardships and negative life events I have experienced. I am me and that is all I can be. The next step is to accept others as they are through acknowledging they are just being who they are and that is all I can ask them to be.
