By: Ashley Oliver, M.S.
It’s very likely that at some point in life you have dealt with a family member or loved one who has triggered frustration…that person that is consistently frustrating to deal with and borderline toxic. The person who tends to have an unintentionally destructive thought pattern that makes life difficult for them and everyone around them. The person you take “mental vacations” from in order to maintain your personal peace of mind.
(The image of the person that just popped into your head –Yes, that’s them)
For me, that person is my cousin. Specifically, she has concrete beliefs about how other family members should treat her and how others should handle situations. Her thoughts and beliefs often center on herself and her discomfort (even if the original situation has nothing to do with her). She tends to get caught in a pattern of pessimism, which she frames as “realism”, and is quick to point out the flaws of others while disregarding her own.
So how best do you cope with this type of person? Perhaps you start avoiding them and resign yourself to the belief that your loved one cannot and will not change their behavior. Or maybe you take an active approach of trying to analyze and talk them through a myriad of potentially helpful solutions for their problems. I have personally tried both options and have been left frustrated with her irrational expectations and behavior. I essentially wanted her to be different – I believed she should think differently and act differently. Clearly the way she behaves currently only yields stranded relationships so why on earth does she not realize that she is the problem.
After a number of unpleasant interactions and allowing myself to become frustrated with how her behavior impacts other family members, especially her children, I decided enough was enough. I had to step back and assess why I continued to allow her behavior to bother me so much. I mean she has been this way for 40+ years. I decided I didn’t want to dwell on feeling angry and frustrated any longer. I didn’t want to keep longing for this Aha moment to occur, where my cousin would magically wake up and transform into a rational, selfless person.
Here’s the thing: It’s not about “changing or fixing them” because they are not broken machines in need of repair. I am learning to accept that my cousin is who she is and that I don’t have to be distressed by her behavior. For the sake of my own happiness and mental health, I am working on accepting that I may never find the root cause of my cousins’ behavior, and that’s okay with me. More importantly, I am working on my frustration intolerance in dealing with my cousin. Though I would certainly prefer for her to behave differently, there is no reason why she absolutely must behave the way I feel she should and though I don’t like the way she behaves, I can stand the interactions I have with her. I can choose to allow her feelings and behaviors to be just what they are –her feelings and behaviors (nothing more, nothing less).
The key here is that I am currently working on this. It’s not exactly easy for me, but its definitely doable. So pause. Take a breath. Relax. And the next time a loved one is annoying you to no end, practice working through your frustration tolerance to minimize your distress and accepting that they are who they are (nothing more, nothing less).
