By: Aliza A. Panjwani, M.A.
Prior to working at the Albert Ellis Institute, I worked with individuals who were bereaved and experiencing difficulty managing their grief. I once worked with a parent who lost his child to a vicious disease. Despite the care and love offered by professionals and family members, his child spent most of his short life connected to tubes and machines, often in pain. Naturally, the experience of such a loss was profoundly painful for the father and he was experiencing an immense amount of grief.
We spoke a lot about his deep suffering, reluctance to acknowledge his pain, detachment from previously valued activities and roles, and [unrealistic] expectations of himself. Though difficult to conceive initially, we also spoke about the role of attitude in creating meaning in a life deeply affected by suffering. Dr. Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, developed a therapy around the following idea: The last vestige of human freedom in the face of unimaginable suffering is our uniquely human ability to choose our attitude towards our circumstances. The parent I was working with really connected with this thought, so much so that we shared an incredibly impactful discussion of a poignant parable, which became a turning point in our work together.
An old Cherokee [man] is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?” The old Cherokee simply replied:
“The one you feed.”
What do you think about the parable? I had many different reflections on it. For one, perhaps what’s disconcerting about our ability to decide “which wolf to feed” is that while we don’t often have control over what happens to us, we do have choices in how we face those life circumstances; that idea is simultaneously intimidating and powerful. The ability to choose our attitude may [understandably] be harder to embrace when our suffering is immense, such as in the case of several parents with whom I worked. And yet…it is possible. People do it even after undergoing experiences that are unimaginable to the rest of us. Having seen it firsthand working with many such individuals, I find this fact to be humbling and inspiring.
In REBT, ‘choosing your attitude’ can be compared to our ability to develop an alternative rational belief (or perspective), practice and implement it in place of an irrational one. As this is easier said than done, when I struggle with this in my own life, I often think of the parent with whom I worked. Do YOU know of anyone in your life who has gone through a very difficult or challenging life event and worked to cultivate a healthy perspective towards it, choosing to ‘feed the good wolf’ more often than not? The next time you have difficulty espousing a rational perspective or choosing a healthy attitude toward a difficult life event, could you think of this person in your life to gain motivation and persevere with implementing your rational belief? And, if no one immediately comes to mind, perhaps you can tuck the Tale of The Two Wolves in your back pocket for inspiration.
