By Monica Shah, M.Ed.

When a meaningful relationship ends, it’s easy to get carried away in the flurry of emotions that follow.  Anger, hurt, anxiety, depression – just a few of the emotions that may plague us throughout a difficult split.  At these times, how we think will affect whether we find ourselves in the depths of despair, or whether we navigate ourselves towards the road to resilience.

In REBT, there are certain unhelpful core beliefs that lead us towards feeling unhealthy negative emotions like the ones mentioned above.  When we really believe these things, and we say them to ourselves during a separation, we will only act to make ourselves angrier, hurt, anxious, and depressed about it.  But, if we can find a way to challenge these core beliefs, we can bring ourselves to a healthier emotional place – to act in our best interests and in line with our values.  Following are some examples of the unhelpful core beliefs we may say to ourselves during a breakup, and challenges to these beliefs that we can use:

 

  • Awfulizing – e.g., This breakup is the most awful thing ever!  It is the worst thing that could have happened!

o   Is this breakup really 100% awful?  That would mean that the relationship was 100% wonderful.  If this really was a relationship that was 100% wonderful, then would you be breaking up in the first place?  The relationship ended for a reason.  And so, is this really the most completely awful thing that you could ever imagine happening?

  • Demandingness – e.g., We must not break up, we should not and cannot break up!

o   There really is no reason that the break up should not be happening.  Relationships end all the time, and to think that a relationship should not end is an illogical demand to place on the situation (or on our ex-partner).  When we say to ourselves that it shouldn’t have ended, we just make ourselves more upset about it.  While we can prefer that it not be happening this way, there is no reason it must not.

  • Frustration Intolerance – e.g., I cannot stand going through this breakup and not having my partner in my life!

o   You can stand it.  You can pick yourself up and move forward, and it is worth it to do that for yourself.  Try to remember all the things that you have gotten through in your life, even when difficult, and how time has helped heal past wounds (at least partially for some).  Thinking that your ex-partner is the only one for you is a form of tunnel vision, and this type of thinking will lead you to an unhealthy emotional state.  You are strong and capable if you choose to believe it, and you do not need someone else to prove that to you.

  • Global negative evaluations – e.g., My ex-partner is horrible, and I am unlovable!

o   We are all fallible human beings who commit both good and bad behaviors, and we cannot be defined by any one of those.  You and your ex have elements of both – it is inevitable.  Thinking in an overgeneralized way about yourself, your ex, or your past relationship will only serve to make you more angry, hurt, anxious, and depressed.  Try stepping back and using a more balanced approach.

During the dark moments of a breakup, challenging these unhelpful core beliefs can help us to think more rationally and be less emotionally disturbed.  We may still feel sad, concerned, upset, or regretful about the loss, since it represents an adverse event in our lives, but we will be able to see a way forward.  We will engage in the grieving process without getting lost in it.  And by thinking in a more healthy, logical, and flexible way, we will begin our journey towards emotional resilience.