By: Aliza A. Panjwani, M.A.
Oh…you thought I was going to give out clear-cut answers? Perhaps some advice that is metaphorically along the lines of: Here is the magic potion, drink it and thy relationship problems shall be solved. Well, I refer you to the question mark at the end of the title of this blog, friends.
The truth is we don’t really have universal answers for what works BEST in relationships and what doesn’t, even though we THINK we do. You know what I mean by this, right? You may have at some point, perhaps whilst in a snug and comfortable relationship, have observed a couple and somewhat judgmentally thought to yourself, “I give those two a year, tops.” Fast forward half a decade and jokes on you—the couple in question has been married for three years and your so-called insta-worthy relationship didn’t make it, much to your befuddlement. Let’s face it, most of us have experienced some version of these events.
I enjoy committed relationships and developing a best-friendship with an intimate partner—you know, the serial monogamy thing. Having said that, I have had several long-term relationships that, for a variety of reasons, have not worked out. There’s a part of me, as I approach mid-30s, that has begun to experience some of the weight/pressure of the societal expectations. Have you ever heard things like, “So, when are you getting married?” “A career won’t keep you warm at night.” “You know your biological clock is going to expire at some point, right?”
Somewhere along the way, one starts to be affected by such sentiments— and that is okay too. We are only human, after all. To say we should remain completely unperturbed by societal pressures, well that’s an unrealistic expectation too, isn’t it? I acknowledge that I feel some sadness and annoyance when people start to project their expectations of what they think I SHOULD be onto me. When I am at my best in these moments, I am very self-compassionate. Every once in a while, though, I fall prey to internalizing societal expectations and my thoughts wander in a different direction, “Maybe, everyone is right. I SHOULD be prioritizing romantic relationships over everything else. I SHOULD be focusing more on that part of my life because time is-a-ticking, biological clock and all. And maybe, if I don’t have that part of my existence completely sorted out, then I am doing something wrong—I am less than.” When I think this way, I feel pretty down and, no wonder, look at what I am saying to myself.
A good catch in these moments are the words ‘should’ or ‘have to’–demands, as we call them in rational-emotive behavior therapy. Whenever I start should-ing myself, particularly in the area of romantic relationships, I try to stop and ask myself, “Is this truly me talking or someone else, be it society at-large or a single individual. If I am being honest with myself, the answer is usually the latter. I then might challenge my unhealthy belief by asking some tough but fair questions: When I internalize others’ demands of what I SHOULD be, does that magically get me ‘married’? How does it help me, if at all? If I wanted to, I could completely disregard my own aspirations and devote my energies to this one goal, but would that even make me happy? Probably not, because the person I would be disappointing there would be myself. To take it a bit further, I might ponder how I would change my unhelpful thinking so that it is helpful for me in the long run. Here is what I have so far and maybe you can relate: “Even though, I would like to have all the areas of my life figured out, there’s no reason I HAVE to impose that demand on myself. Here’s the thing: internalizing what others think I should do, particularly in my romantic relationships not only doesn’t help me feel healthy emotionally, but it also doesn’t get me closer to any of my goals, career-wise or personal. In fact, my perspective and value is that to have a continued, healthy committed relationship with another person, I will strive to have an equally healthy relationship with myself. Hey, maybe that’s as close as we ever come to a universal answer to the question: how to have the best relationship?” What do you think?
